Anxiety
by Little Miss Fake-it
Summary: A year after the death of Virgil's friend Daryll he starts having headaches and fears he'll die the same way she did. Is there anyone who can help Virgil? Will he let anybody help him? Rated T for later chapters
1. Chapter 1 prologue painful memories

**A/N hi fan fiction viewwers, members and well whatever let's get on with the show. Anyways this is my first fic for the Thunderbirds. Scott is 20, john is 18 (and married...don't kill me) Virgil is sixteen (and this is in his POV) Gordon is fourteen and Alan is nine(almost ten) In later chapters I will bring in Maximum Ride Charecters and OC's just so you know. Plus as I will explain later Gordon and Virgil don't go to Wharton's they go to mercersburg because I didn't like the idea of Whartons personally and nto having been to military school myself and having other plans for virgil's after school life thought that a different boarding school would be more apropriate. Anyways on with the fanfic. Oh and Daryll is an OC of mine :) **

_I'm sorry but Daryll is dead _

the words kept ringing through my head haunting me smothering me. I wanted to go back to three hours ago to before she had died then maybe I would get some peace inside my head.

More importantly three days ago would be nice. I wish i could've helped her, she'd complained about a slight headache but hhad shaken it off as nothing.

_Simply stress _

Had been all she'd said about the matter just that she was fine. I should've done something, I should've told her how much I loved her. There was so much i should've done so many words unsaid so much I could've done.

_Her laughter filled my ears her smiling face hid any sign of anxiety or paranoa. There were three words on my mine three words that wanted to come out. I knew there was no way she'd think of me the same no guarantee that she'd return those three words. _

_"why couldn't we stay here forever." I kept a sinister smile on my face my heart aching. I feel the same way Daryll i thought. Sitting in my room watching as Gordon and Alan jumped into the pool again and again. Everything seemed to quiet so perfect. _

_Why couldn't we stay here forever? I knew we couldn't there was no way. Daryll would have to go home and try to deal with her verbally abusive father. Is it weird to say I want to save her? I wanted to hold her in my arms all night and let her cry let her know she was safe. At the same time though I knew that wasn't an option she had no idea I knew about her dad that was jsut one of the many things she hid behind that radiant smile and crystal clear grey-green eyes. _

_"We can't stay here forever though time is kind of a bitch that way." She turned to me smiling her brown hair getting in her eyes. I wanted to reach up and push it away but she beat me to it. Brushing it gently away from her eye. _

_"Are you ok?" Daryll jsut nodded smiling and somehow I knew she wasn't but I knew she wouldn't tell me what was on her mind. She edited her thoughts too much and put up too many walls. Those walls had too many prickle bushes and vines many them tricky to climb over. _

_I often imagined these walls in my mind eventually painting them. Sometimes they had a dragon's head peeking over the edge threatening to burn anyone that came near. I only wished I could crumble those walls to smitherines and rescue her; my damsel in distress. _

"I'm sorry I didn't try hard enough to break down your walls." I looked up at the ceiling hoping somehow she heard me somehow these spoken messages reached her ears. "I loved you." I said more for me than for her, just to get it in the open even if she weren't here.

Tears rolled freely down my cheeks as I remembered her laugh so effortless and now I was sure it was nearly always forced.

I looked down at the lyrics of her favorite song I'd printed out hours ago

_Lose Another Day Here_

_Lose Another Year Here_

_I'm With You_

Call it karma- Silverstein. maybe the story of her lfie but i'd stufied the lyrics a million times and no matter how many times I read I was no closer to figuring out her secrets. I went through every memory studying each one closely and with each one saw how much she hid behind those grey-green eyes.

"I should've tried harder." I whispered. "I should've figured out a way to help you!" I yelled louder as a few tears broke free and slid down my face.

"I should've figured out a way to help you."


	2. Chapter 2 Nervous Breakdown

**A/N ok another chapter all in oen night woohoo. ya can you tell I'm in a crappy mood? Well whatever here's a chapter I hope i ended it in the right spot I wasn't entirely sure it was a good ending. So uh...enjoy review if you want it'll make me happy. I'll try to update tomorrow depends if my mom abducts my computer again tomorrow and 'accidentally' deletes my word document. then again she doesn't even know what a word document is or that I'm even on fanfiction. I would tell her but i doubt she'd even bother even looking it up. Sorry i'm complaining...just read the chapter :) **

I sat on the couch tears streaking down my face it was four AM my brothers were all asleep. Scott was with his girlfriend and John with his wife leaving Gordon and Alan. Gordon was only fourteen and Alan ten. I tried taking a deep breath in but felt it wasn't sufficient. I grabbed onto the couch feeling as if I may float away if I let go. By now sobs rocketed through me and I was surprised nobody was awake.

I couldn't call anybody my brothers were busy and my dad was asleep. My friends didn't care and for god sakes it was four AM. I sighed and went to the kitchen pulling open the cupboard I grabbed a knife. Tears streaking down my face I looked down. I'm sorry mom. I thought as I streaked the blade across my wrist seeing the blood seeping out.

I felt the tear touch my wrist and took a deep breath in. I felt my chest pounding and cut once more. I couldn't help myself I didn't want to die I didn't want to leave my brothers I needed to feel connected to the earth somehow though. Slicing once more wincing this time I went to the sink cleaned the blade off and put it back.

I felt like I was going to collapse my head was foggy my chest hurt and tears still leaked down my face. I didn't want this I just wanted this to be over to feel alive again. I was sick of feeling like such a freak.

"Virgil?"

"Hey fish go back to bed." I looked at my younger brother it was too dark for him to notice anything.

"Ok goodnight Virge." I nodded as he disappeared into his room. I entered mine and collapsed onto the floor sobs shaking my body. I tried to stop but it was no use I was too far in.

"Virge wake up. Dad wants to take us shopping." I got up looking around and realized I must have fallen asleep on the floor. "Why are you on the floor Virgil?"

"I was lying here looking out my window and I guess I fell asleep." I said the lie coming easily. My younger brother Gordon nodded and walked out of my room leaving me alone. I stood up looking down I was a mess. My jeans were all sideways and my shirt had tear stains on it. I walked over to my closet and picked up a pair of dark wash jeans that were bleached and a royal blue sweater. I shrugged off my t-shirt and jeans before throwing them into the hamper in the corner of my room.

I walked into my bathroom studying myself in the mirror for a moment. I was a mess. My hair was all messy and ruffled my eyes had dark circles beneath them and a reddish tint to them making me look stoned. I sighed and threw a piece of gum in my mouth I really just didn't feel like brushing my teeth. I ran a brush through my brown hair until I was content and went out into the living room.

"Hey Virge." I nodded at dad and he smiled brightly. "We ready?" I nodded putting on a fake smile and saw my brothers' nod as well. This was going to be a long day.

I sighed as we stepped into another store I was hungry and tired and all I wanted was somebody to notice. I looked at my watch again 15 minutes then we were meeting my eldest brother Scott in the cafeteria he had always been observant and at this point I needed somebody to listen or make me talk about it.

Let's just say I had trust issues and the only people I'd ever spoken to were my mom and Scott. Alan and Gordon were too young and John was a big part of NASA and spent the time he had off with his wife Jessica. I sighed as I followed my brothers around pretending to look interested when all I really wanted was out.

_God it was warm in here _I started rolling up my sleeves then remembered the scars and quickly rolled them back down. Shit well that would've taken some explaining. "Ok boys time to meet at the food court." I looked up and nodded following dad and the boys out. _Thank god _I thought to myself.

"Hey Alan." Alan smiled running up and hugging Scott. "Hi Fish how are you doing? Still swimming laps around these two?" Virgil….how are you?" I shrugged and Scott pulled me into a hug. He pulled away and I smiled hoping he'd see through it. He didn't. "Well my door is always open." _No it isn't you're never home. _

"Well I'm sure you boys are hungry here's twenty for each of you go crazy." Dad smiled handing each of us twenty once he went to hand twenty to Scott he just shook his head. _That was Scott always stubborn _

"No thanks dad I'm a grown man I can handle my own." I turned as dad nodded and went to McDonalds feeling like crap.

I sighed and felt a tap on my shoulder groaning slightly I turned and saw Scott smiling. "So are you going to be home tonight?"

"Well probably in less I get a call but most likely. Why? You want to watch a movie on Shaw on demand or something?" I nodded enthusiastically glad I wouldn't be alone I didn't trust myself alone at this point. Me + alone=horrible things and scarring children's minds=Gordon and Alan. I mean Alan was only nine and Gordon thirteen but they were too young to know about my problems in my eyes anyway.

I went up and ordered stepping to the side as Scott went to my right. "So why aren't you ever home anyway?"

"Maybe when you're older Virge." _Because maybe in Scott's eyes maybe I was a bit too young to know about his problems too. _I nodded knowing that Scott wanted me to drop it. I grabbed my tray and Scott grabbed his right after me he bumped into my slightly and smiled as I looked at him and we made our way to the table. It was just me and Scott here for the moment since dad was getting himself and Alan food and Gordon was probably somewhere pulling some sort of prank or hitting on somebody working. You just never knew with him.

"So you heard from John lately?" Scott shook his head shrugging making it obvious he knew John was fine. Well then again John was seventeen had gotten married fresh out of high school and gotten a job with NASA thanks to dad. It was a small job for now but it was something.

"Hi boys…McDonalds really I was hoping you'd get something more healthy." I rolled my eyes slightly _ya because getting healthy food is the top thing on my priority list. _I thought sarcasm dripping on every word.

"Dad we're not kids plus we get all the nutrients we need at home it's nice to treat ourselves." Dad nodded and started eating his taco bell meal. _Dad lectures us about healthy food but yet he eats junk. _Great_. _

I sighed and started eating my McChicken hungrily and Scott smiled _why was he smiling? _Maybe_ because he was unsure of my health? Thinking I'm anorexic? Well whatever. _

"Ok well I just remembered Virge you haven't bought anything how about you go with Scott ride home with him I need to check in at the office and get the boys home. Do you mind Scott?" Scott shook his head and dad got up smiling and got the boys and their bags before leaving.

"Ok where do you want to go?"

"Jean warehouse?" Scott nodded and took both trays following me dumping the trash on the way. Scott followed me in and I fanned through the clothes before picking up a few sweatshirts shirts and pairs of jeans. I just wanted to get home. I paid with the money dad had given me and went out. "Can we head back?" Scott nodded studying me before nodding and led me to the flying car he had.

I sighed looking around my room knowing I wouldn't be alone for part of the night made me feel a bit better at least. I sighed and ripped the tags off my new clothes before putting them away knowing I'd need more in a month or so.

I lay down on my bed starring out my skylight. I was kind of tired but I wanted to stay up with Scott. Fighting the temptation to sleep I rolled off my bed standing up and went into the living room.

I sighed and got up ignoring the pain that flared up my arm as I leaned and bent my wrist. Groaning I went into the living room and sat next to Scott. "Hey dad is in his office and I just sent Gordon to bed. So do you want to watch. love bites the stinkquel, Iggy and Gazzy have a prank war, I know what you did last summer the remake or That Drunk Guy?"

"Love Bites the Stinkquel." Scott smiled obviously that'd been his first choice as well. The movie started and I sat back ready to relax.

The anxiety was eating at me I couldn't do this! _What if I die tonight? What will I have to show for it watching a movie with Scott? That's it and nobody will know about how scared I am or how I have a pounding headache that's scaring me to death. Nobody will know and everybody will blame themselves wishing they'd noticed and tried to stop it. They'd be standing over my grave as I had a sad look in my face and my hazel eyes are open looking lifeless. I wonder if my bangs will be out of my eyes Grams was always bugging me about it as well as dad. _

_I needed to do something about this I was freaking out and had tears In my eyes. What if Scott noticed? "_I'll be right back."

"Want me to pause it?" I shook my head getting up and going into my room and from there to the bathroom. I pulled the razor out from under my sink and pulled up my sleeve. About halfway between my wrist and my elbow I wrote the word _Anxiety _every letter peeling away my emotions making me feel calmer with every drop of blood that emerged from the cut.

I took in a deep sigh of relief as I starred at the word. I pulled down my sleeve and flushed the toilet before re-entering the living room. "Hey you ok?" I nodded and looked at the screen. This was the part where the big hairy guy started to get boobs when the brunette had called him beautiful. I'd seen it in the trailer and it was much more hilarious on the big screen.

"You sure you're ok it looks like you have a stain on your shirt?" Now Scott's eyes were examining me looking deep into mine waiting for me to answer to see if I would lie or not.

"I'm fine I must've spilt barbeque sauce on it at lunch or something." I shrugged giving Scott a reassuring smile hoping my eyes wouldn't betray me.

"Well you should get it into the laundry before it stains. I was going to do a load anyway here pass it here. Scott got up after pausing the movie and I pulled off my right sleeve then the left careful to keep the underside of my arm to my side. I threw it to him and Scott looked at my left arm quickly before going to the laundry room. I looked at my arm and winced slightly seeing the red blotchy word.

I put my arm down by my side and heard Scott come in right after. "Hey you hungry?" I shook my head and Scott looked at me before coming in front of me. "You lose weight?" I shrugged and Scott came forward pulling up my shirt. I self consciously shifted.

"I should've noticed." I shrugged and Scott looked at me studying before letting go of my shirt letting it fall.

"Come on how about we go get you some dinner and maybe some tea or hot cocoa that'll make you feel a bit better. I was about to shake my head when my stomach growled giving me away. Scott nodded and I knew he was smirking. I got up and followed Scott into the kitchen taking a seat as he pulled out leftovers from the fridge. He put them into the microwave before putting the plate of pizza, quesadea and jhalopino puffs in front of us and smiled pushing the plate two inches closer to me.

I ate Scott studying me the whole time smiling as I pushed the plate away having finished most of it except for three slices of pizza and one slice of quesadea. Scott finished them for me before he pulled out his cell and put it to his ear. "Hello? Ya I can be right there. Don't worry I'm sure she's fine….Don't worry it's probably not that serious it's only a fever. Yes it's only dangerous if it gets to one ten. Tell her I love her and that I'll be there soon."

"Virgil I'm sorry I really have to go you'll be ok right?" _No. _I nodded and gave Scott a reassuring smile as he got up.

"I'll be back by three AM ok. I love you."

"Love you." Scott hurried out of the room and I heard the door open and close two second later signalling him leaving.

"Hey Virge." I jumped and looked around seeing dad sitting opposite me at the table with his coffee mug. "Sorry didn't mean to startle you. Where'd Scott go?"

"Dunno. He sort of got up and left after he got a call. Something about a girl he said he'd be back soon though." Dad nodded and looked at the empty plate.

"Somebody was hungry." I shrugged and dad smiled obviously glad I was eating. "Ok well go get some sleep it's almost twelve." I nodded great my dad and brother noticed I wasn't eating but couldn't notice the obvious pain in my eyes. The obvious tears I cried in the late night and early mornings of the.

I got up went to my room and slipped on a long sleeved shirt and threw off my jeans before climbing into bed hoping I'd get to see tomorrow.

I was restless I didn't sleep for long. Nightmares didn't bug me my thoughts did my head was just so cluttered. When I don't sleep and I think too much that's usually causes me to have anxiety attacks and yes I did have one no it was nothing new and no I had no new cuts on my wrist, luckily Scott would've had a heart attack if I had.

I couldn't sleep and it was about seven in the morning when I finally did sleep right when everyone in the house was getting up making it difficult to stay asleep with everybody making some sort of noise.

Around twelve I finally got up and put on some jeans before noticing a sleeping Scott on my couch. _When did he get there? _I slid on my jeans before exiting the room making sure to close the door quietly behind me.

I sighed and looked at my watch. 12:32 PM November first. Six more days until November seventh. _What if I died just like her? She had headaches, I have headaches. She never told anyone more than that though never let her voice falter never confided in anyone but herself. I should've helped her, I wish she'd told me. Then maybe I wouldn't be freaking out now. _

**A/N ok so crappy ending? Hope you liked it :) review please it'll make me happy and a happy me means quicker chapters :)**


	3. Chapter 3 Call It karma

**Ok hi sorry for such a short chapter it's just i had to go shopping (i bought a really cute sweater that says "I live in your closet) No I don't have a hot topic I bought it at stitches which is turning into a prep store so i need to start shoppign at spencer's gifts which is as close to hot topic as I get. So ya. Enjoy :)**

I looked down at my hands trying to convince myself everything was fine I was nothing like her. She was caring, kind and always listened to people's problems without telling anyone her own. I was being ridiculous there was no way I could die in six days right?

"Good morning Virgil something wrong?" I shook my head plastering a smile on my face. "Ok well lunch is in the kitchen, just some salad and chicken and broccoli casserole." I nodded and went into the kitchen. I grabbed a small plate and sat at the table letting the fake smile slide off my face.

"Hey." I turned and put on the fake smile again I saw Scott and he looked at me studying me before sitting down. "You ok?" I nodded shoving a forkful of salad into my mouth using it as an excuse not to talk. "Ok well how were you once I left? You seemed to not be sleeping well when I got in."

"I was fine just couldn't sleep Alan was making a bit of noise you know him always an early riser." Scott nodded and smiled stealing a piece of lettuce from my plate and shoving It into his mouth. "So what time did you get in anyway?"

Scott looked around probably looking for dad. "Six AM. No biggie." I nodded knowing he wouldn't tell me where he was. "Sorry for leaving in such a hurry Virge." I nodded knowing that when Monday came I'd be back at school alone hiding my fears (and knife) from my roommate.

Too bad this long weekend had to end the next break would be Christmas, I could only hope I would make it until then. "Virgil?" I looked up and Scott raised an eyebrow sceptically.

I smiled and shrugged. "Sorry zoned out just thinking I should start packing later since you know back to school tomorrow anyways I'm going to go shower." Scott nodded and I went off to my bathroom and turned on my iPod dock. (I know who has an iPod dock in their bathroom? I just like music)

_Blame it on the weather, but I'm a mess_  
_And this February darkness has me hating everyone_  
_And I know I need your comfort, but this drama makes me sick_  
_And the longer I lay here I know it's harder to get up_  
_without you_

_[Chorus:]_  
_Lose another day here_  
_Lose another year here_  
_I'm with you_

_Find me something out there that's making sense_  
_And it's just another trend carefully hidden in your dress_  
_And the cycles neverending and the fashions overdone_  
_And the further that I run away, the further I'll come back _  
_to shelter..._

_[Chorus]_

_You are the fire on my apartment floor_  
_Sixteen stories, I'd rather burn than fall_  
_It isn't fate that took us all by storm_  
_It's just the turn of a card_

_[Chorus] _

_You are the fire on my apartment floor_  
_Sixteen stories, I'd rather burn than fall_  
_It isn't fate that took us all by storm,_  
_It's just the turn of a card_

_Goodbye, old friend_  
_Goodbye, goodnight_  
_I'll move on_  
_You'll call it fate, I'll call it karma_  
_We had our time, it was fun_  
_while it lasted_

_I'll look back with honor_  
_and no regrets_  
_I won't be mad, won't feel bad_  
_These memories will never leave me_  
_Don't be sad_  
_cause life goes on, life goes on_  
_It's getting too late_  
_Tomorrow is here_

I got out of the shower and turned off the song I hated thinking of Derry dying alone on her bedroom floor knowing that she hadn't told anybody. I bet she felt alone, I would do anything to talk to her again. I missed her, her laugh, her smile even the way she spoke too loudly and talked about music she didn't really like when there was a guy she wanted to notice her. I secretly loved her and honestly lately there wasn't a day that didn't go by that I didn't think of her or see her smile in my mind.

What I wouldn't do for just one more conversation…..

I stood by the front door my bags packed Gordon and Alan on either side of me. Alan's hand in mine and a mischievous smile on Gordon's face. "Ready to go boys?" Alan started jumping up and down and Gordon looked up and shrugged I just stood a fake smile on my face. Scott walked in and smiled his duffel bag strung across his shoulder.

"We ready dad?" He nodded and I went out the door everybody following behind and walked over to the blue car in the driveway and put my bag in the trunk leaving it open for Alan, Gordon and Scott as I got into the backseat of the car.

I sat back and closed my eyes as I heard the car start and the usual music argument between dad and Scott and then soon Alan and Gordon would chime in and if I was "asleep" I wouldn't be expected to participate.

**ok the song is Call It Karma by Silverstein i thought it fit this chapter well. So uhm I hope you enjoyed it and again I'm sorry it's so short :)**


	4. Chapter 4 Save Me From Me

The music fight had gone on as expected and I had pretended to look asleep wondering If that would be my last time hearing them fight about it….I hope not I really hope not. Five more days I thought to myself tears filling my eyes. I starred at headlights forcing the tears to disappear back to where they came from.

I saw Wharton's in sight and forced myself not to groan. I wasn't ready to go back yet. Just one more day please? "Hey Virge you awake?' I opened my eyes nodding and got out grabbing my bags from the trunk. "Well I would walk you but I have some business I have to get to at the office. Stay safe and out of trouble and call me every now and then. Also Virgil, John wanted me to tell you to call him sometime." I nodded and took off towards my dorm after giving my dad an awkward one armed hug.

I opened my door noticing my roommate, Jeff wasn't here yet. Who knows maybe he was busy with his family being happy…

I flopped onto my bed and pulled out my laptop opening a game of solitaire. The only card game you could play alone.

"Hey Virgil!" I looked up and saw Jeff as he closed the door behind him. I put a smile on my face and got up shutting my laptop and pounded my fist against his. "How's the family?"

"You know the normal. How was your long weekend?"

"Got hassled by my younger and older sister you know how it is." I nodded and swore I saw a wave of sadness go on his face before he quickly wiped it off. Something told me things didn't go well Jeff never talked about his family just said he had two sisters who hassled him and his parents were rich. I knew he flinched easily though and handled everything as a joke but nothing more nothing less.

"Come on the guys wanted to meet up you in?" I nodded gladly accepting the distraction. I followed after Jeff and we went two floors down to Ian's (Iggy) and Nick's (Fang) room. I opened the door and saw Fang looking the same in all black and a frown on his face, Iggy smiled as we walked in and looked up from whatever prank he was working on this time. I noticed that Iggy's twin jack (Gazzy short for the Gasman) was sitting on the floor and waved at us smiling. (Yup I brought in maximum ride characters. Where's Max Angel and Nudge you may ask well wait and see ;)

"Hey guys how were your vacations?"

"Well Jack and I went to Fang's since our parents are on a second honeymoon and we set off a stink bomb in his older sister's bathroom…oh and well our little sister Angel went there too she had fun her and Fang's older sis Tiffany went shopping they had a blast and we never heard the end of it." I nodded Tiffany was Fang's half-sister who was older than him by three years.

"How about you Virgil? How are your brothers?"

"Alright you know John's not there, Gordon and Alan were being two mischievous devils and me and Scott watched love Bites the Stinquel. It was really good." Jeff looked at me then at Fang and they exchanged a curious glances before looking away and going on as if nothing happened.

"So Fang you with Max yet?"

"Ya."

"Where does she go to school again?"

"Here." here is Mercersburg Academy, Mercersburg Pennsylvania. (A/N I know that Alan goes to Wharton's but I wanted to bring Max into the story and therefore had to make them go to a co-ed school. Plus I didn't approve of the whole Military school thing and since Mercersburg is only grades 9-12 Alan and Angel go to a different school close by…and since there aren't any different boarding schools that have grade 5's it's a school created by me: Ashley :D I shall name it your-parents-don't-care-but-we-do-academy. No just kidding it doesn't have a name yet lol)

"I said I'd go see her. Bye." That was Fang saying as little words as possible and quiet and still as a cat waiting to catch a mouse. Ok bad mental picture maybe as quiet and still as a rock. No bad mental image there right?

"Fang I'll come with you." Fang nodded and held the door open for Iggy. I don't know why he did the doors stayed open anyway.

"Ya we'd better get back too, see ya Gazzy." Gazzy nodded and followed us out going back to his room as well.

I sat on my bed and pulled my laptop back onto my lap and turned it on before opening my word document from earlier. "Hey Virge I got invited to a party tonight you in?" I nodded and Jeff came over and sat on my bed. "You ok you're acting a lot like Fang except a little less black?" I nodded giving him a fake smile. "Ok well what you're wearing is good but grab a sweatshirt we're going out to the old soccer field." I nodded closing my computer once more and grabbing my red sweatshirt.

"These are the guys!" I heard an unfamiliar voice say. I looked out and saw Eric Guy I knew of him he threw wicked parties and apparently did drugs and honestly at this point I would do anything just to get a good night's sleep without worrying I was going to die tomorrow.

"Hey Erik! This is Virgil Tracy."

"Tracy! Yo that's sick, I've heard stories from my bro but I never knew if they were true. So is it? Is your brother a drug addict and a father? I bet daddy couldn't fix that with his money am I right?" I expected myself to be angry but I wasn't instead I realized what he'd said were true. It made sense Scott leaving suddenly after getting a phone call. When he said her or she he meant his daughter.

I knew about Scott's overdose when he was fifteen we all did we never spoke of it but it lingered in the air. "No not the same one." Dad always said lying was wrong one lie and you were a liar but hey I'd been lying a lot lately one more to help save the family's pride wouldn't hurt.

"Whatever. So sit down this is my main boy Kyle and his older sister Lyn then we have Andrew and his girlfriend Bridgette and her friend Darryl oh wait I mean Danielle" I looked up at the name Darryl and saw she had the same grey eyes Derry had and slowly looked at Kyle and Lyn they were both blonde and if I hadn't known any better I'd say they were twins. Andrew had shaggy brown hair that was off to the side and his chin resting in the palm of his hand his fingers drumming his cheek.

Bridgette was beautiful with wild red hair and black eyeliner around her eyes. I looked away and ran my hand through my hair. "Ok well now everybody is here. Anyone want a joint?" Wow way to get to the point, Erik. He smirked and lit the end of his joint before tossing out a few more. I glanced at Jeff nervously studying the joint in my hand.

Jeff jabbed me in the side and I saw he had a lighter in his hand offering it to me. I took it putting the joint in between my lips and lit the end breathing in the smoke. Sure I'd smelt the stuff before but smoking it is an entirely different experience. My problems dissolved with my fourth puff and I felt light as a feather, like I was sitting among the angels in the clouds.

Everybody seemed so happy it was kind of funny and I began to laugh I loved this feeling it was almost as if unicorns could pop up any second.

I started swaying side to side as if listening to music but there wasn't any playing. I became aware of Jeff's gaze and looked at him he was smiling and all happy looking. I couldn't help but laugh again going into a fit of giggles and clutching my sides trying to get a hold of myself.

I felt weightless…ya that was the word weightless. I wasn't scared of tomorrow and at the moment tomorrow seemed like an open door of opportunity.

Wait when did I become a fortune cookie? Whatever I like fortune cookies they have little slips of paper inside and they state magical numbers.

I closed my eyes for a second and felt like I was soaring high above ground like a hawk or a plane. Weeeeeeeeeeeeee! I threw my hands up enjoying the ride and stood up opening my eyes now and danced around some people getting up and joining me I didn't care who.

Jeff came up to me and we started doing the salsa almost tripping over each other's feet because we were both laughing so hard. I heard the sound of a bag opening and thought about what would happen if every time somebody opened a bag if a monkey came out. Or even more funny a dragon.

I saw Erik put a chip in his mouth and went over begging for a chip just one. I was starving if I didn't get a chip I would collapse and stop breathing. I needed a chip! Finally Erik handed me a handful and I stuffed them in my mouth putting my hands out again. I was just so hungry I needed more!

I guess eventually I dozed off either from exhaustion or the high wearing off, I didn't care which.


	5. Chapter 5 Losing You

**Hi all sorry for not having an author's note last chapter I kinda forgot….anyways I just wanted to clarify some things. This is technically a sequel to a story I haven't yet submitted. After their mother's death Scott became a father figure since their father hid in his office avoiding his children and Scott got involved in drugs and had an overdose. As for the rest you'll have to wait until I submit it. So anyways onto the chapter.**

I looked up at the morning sun and rubbed my eyes looking around Jeff was passed out to my right and Erik was to my left his hand on his balls. Well somebody had fun. I looked around and saw everyone from last night passed out on the grass. Wait we have classes today! "Jeff get up!" he stirred slightly before opening his eyes a crack and looking at me.

"Sup?"

"We have class right now dumb ass!" He looked at me alarmed before sitting up and shaking the rest awake.

"Guys we have to get up and get to class." The rest rose and as soon as we were sure they were awake took off to our lockers to grab our books.

I looked at the schedule on my locker door and nodded.

1) P.E Mr. Helms _Ok I could get Mr. Helms to dismiss me just say I slept in he'll understand_

2) History Miss Dawson

3) Maths Mr. Schwartz

Lunch

4) English Literature Mrs. Carl

5) Creative Writing Mr. Johnston

6) German Mr. Asher

I grabbed my history book and went off to History making a mental note to see Mr. Helms at lunch.

Stepping into history the twelve students looked towards the door. Yes there were twelve students (thirteen including me) in this class and no it wasn't weird it was more comfortable.

"Glad you could make it to class Mr. Tracy. We were in the middle of The Impact of the U.S.A and the USSR and post war of Europe. Here's the sheet and the chart what you need to copy down is on the board." I nodded as Miss Dawson stepped forward handing me the sheet.

I copied down the chart quickly and sat up straighter leaning back slightly. "Ok kids so now that we have that done and no you aren't getting off that easy you get to copy down notes."

Miss Dawson smiled as she sat down pulling out notes in front of her. A bad thing about her you had to listen word for word or you'd miss everything and she only had one copy of the notes. "The marshal plan was the primary program of the United States for rebuilding and creating a stronger economic foundation for the countries of Europe. The initiative was named for secretary of state George Marshal and was largely the creation of state department officials especially George. F. Kennan. Marshall spoke of urgent need to help the European recovery in his address at Harvard University in June 1947."

Finally after what seemed like a lifetime it was lunch. I saw Jeff sitting with Erik and waved before sitting by Fang, Iggy, Gazzy and Max. I'd met Max before during the summer and saw her whenever fang would wave at her from across the cafeteria.

"So what do you guys have next?"

"English lit."

"I'm with Virge." Gazzy yelled.

"I think I have Spanish with Fang." Iggy said rubbing his ear since Gazzy had yelled into it.

"I have American history." Max said smiling.

"Anyways why are we avoiding the purple elephant in the room?" I looked at Iggy and saw he was looking at Jeff.

I looked away avoiding their glances and took a bite out of the chicken Szechwan they were serving for lunch. "Virge you know what's up with him you are his roommate after all?" I shrugged and Gazzy looked at me obviously knowing I'd missed first block.

"Virge are you sure you're alright you don't seem yourself lately. I mean I would say depression but you're not withdrawn. I don't know I think maybe you should talk to somebody. Scott maybe-"

"Just shut up Fang! You don't know shit!" I yelled as I tore off through the doors and ran to the field I wasn't Gordon I wasn't athletic I didn't swim for hours, I wasn't Scott he ran track and I wasn't John who found reassurance looking up at the stars. Right now I would give anything to be off this planet. I thought I was upset but really I wasn't, the fact he'd confronted me wasn't what angered me the fact he'd gotten it the fact he was so close to breaking down my walls. It scared me.

"Virgil stop!" I looked behind me and saw Gordon I slowed down collapsing to the ground as my red haired brother came forwards sitting beside me. "What happened?"

"Nothing Gordon. Just nothing go back to lunch leave me alone." _Please stay _I said silently.

"Fine but maybe Fang was right maybe you should talk to Scott or even John." I glared at the red head when really all I wanted was for him to call John or Scott for me to make them listen to me. He nodded patting my shoulder as he stood up and walked away.

It was there in the middle of the field where anyone could find me that I broke down this one fracturing the walls around me causing them to crumble. I hated feeling vulnerable.

_. _

**(A/N Yes Virgil has an anxiety disorder in case you hadn't picked up on that. Will Scott come back into the story? Abso-freeking-lutely, Will John? I love Johnny not as much as Scott but i still lubb him so he gets inserted. as for anything else you may be questioning read and review because reviews make me happy)**

I don't know how many classes I'd missed but after a while I got up wiping my face before looking at my watch and heading off to German with Mr. Asher.

I went into class and sat down pulling out my book as the teacher looked around his eyes settling on me before he came over. "Mr. Tracy could you please go to the office."

"Why?"

"I think you know why." I looked at him and shrugged grabbing my bag and books before heading off to the office. I went in and the secretary looked at me and nodded.

"Hi Virgil Mr. Asher just called. He said you went to his class high. That will not be tolerated at this school young man" I looked at her and shook my head.

"I didn't smoke anything and I didn't do any drugs." Ok technically it was true I hadn't smoked anything that day and I honestly hadn't done any drugs so basically I wasn't lying.

"I know you missed your first class and your last two classes Virgil." Shit.

"I slept in accidentally and the last two classes I've been-" _having a panic attack not that I would tell you though_. "I was in my dorm I didn't feel well."

"I heard you screamed at your friend does it have to do with that?" I nodded and the woman nodded. "Ok well since your eyes are no longer red as Mr. Asher suggested and you don't seem high you're incredibly solemn and calm. So go back to your dorm rest up and be ready bright and early tomorrow ok?" I nodded smiling thankfully and went to my dorm slowly.

I felt a small vibration at my wrist and pressed the button on the side, "Hello?" I saw John's head pop up his smiling face making me feel guilty for feeling so….anxious?...depressed?…..solemn?…..lazy?

"Hi John what's up?"

"Nothing just heard you skipped a few classes today care to elaborate?" I let the smile on my face turn into a frown feeling my face relax.

"I just didn't feel well."

"I heard you and Nick got into a fight and that you told Gordy to beat it. What's going on Virge?"

"Nothing! I wish everybody would stop asking that!"

"Virgil, you ok?" At least he cared enough to ask twice but I couldn't tell him he'd pull me out of school send me to a doctor I'd never see my friends again. I sighed as I felt my headache come crawling back and put my fingers to my temples massaging them gently.

"I'm fine John really." I knew I didn't sound sincere and I think John knew it too but he didn't say anything.

"Fine Virge take care. Take some Advil for that headache too. I'll call you later." I hung up before sinking onto my bed and resting my head on the pillow why couldn't people just leave me alone. _They're concerned. _I thought my anger slowly dripping away at the thought. _At least they care. _This thought only made me feel more anxious so instead of worrying myself even more I just let myself fall asleep.

"_I love you Virgil." The voice and smell are oh so familiar. I try grasping at the person willing her to stay. I see her; Darryl and I smile like a fool relief flowing into me as I grab her hands. _

"_I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I should've tried harder." She simply shakes her head and puts her hand on my cheek stroking it. _

"_I love you." I say softly as I pull her into my arms wishing this would never end_

**Ok there you go chapter 5…by the way chapters 2-5 are all song names.  
Nervous Breakdown-Hawthorne heights  
call it Karma-Silverstein  
Save Me From Me-Amber Pacific  
Losing you-Camera Can't lie**

**As for the ending I decided to be nice to Virgil and give him a nice soothing dream so uh….hope you all liked that.**

**Also most of you probably are thinking Virgil is my fav character and that is where you faithful viewers are wrong. Scott is my all-time fav. I mean seriously those gorgeous blue eyes that chiselled body and that brotherly instinct. *drools slightly* XD **

**Thanks so much to Samara13 for reviewing and don't worry I definitely plan on inserting John along the way well actually it's already planned out but that's a whole other chapter **

**By the way there's this song I listened to it's really scream-o but the lyrics are good and since I don't want you guys to be terrorized by listening to it I'll insert the lyrics somewhere into one of the next chapters but if you can't wait it's called Death Anxiety by Bleeding Through. **

**So anyways thanks for reading ….and putting up with my long author's notes.**

**Also next chapter will be Friday. I think I'll submit twice a week Mondays and fridays good? anyways thanks again.**

**-Natural Nobody ((Ashley))**


	6. Chapter 6 Maybe

**Ok another chapter it's kinda short but whatever…..my next update will be Monday and I plan on bringing in more John and Scott soon **** by the way the title is maybe by the sick puppies in case you were wondering. **

I sat up coming out of sleep and saw that Jeff had just come in. "Hey some first day eh?" I nodded and Jeff looked me over nodding. I knew he wanted to ask if I was ok I really didn't want to answer kind of like I really had to step up this happy act.

"Another party tonight?"

"Ya we need to be there in an hour we got some E." he smiled looking proud and I nodded faking a smile. I knew he thought it was real because he smirked and took off into our bathroom. I chucked off my shirt and jeans and threw on a new set there was no way I could risk wearing the same clothes to school two days in a row. The teachers would notice and get dad involved then possibly get me a therapist.

I didn't need a therapist to talk to I needed a CAT scan, I needed reassurance. I saw the bathroom door handle turning and threw a smile on my face as I lay back in bed looking calm and relaxed when really I felt like a live wire.

"Ok we have an hour so chill out. You ok with music? How does _Bleeding Through_ sound?"

"Cool I love them." I tried to sound enthusiastic and honestly I was scream-o music was way better than slow stuff with meaning which happened to be everything on my IPod.

_My body will be set aflame tonight_

_Even though my heart will remain it's cold as ice inside_

_I feel my fists are buried in the pavement_

_Helpless to the rotting cancer set to ruin my life_

_I awake to this anxiety_

_That every breath every step might be my last_

_I feel I'm growing numb a slight chill to my flesh_

_Like one million knives stabbing a hole through my chest_

_There is no comfort my surroundings bleak as night_

_The angels of death are awaiting for me to line me in their sights_

_Lifeless I fear the wrath of God_

_I hear the dead speak through the walls_

_Remember me eternal sleep awaits me underground_

_I will await for you to follow to the other side_

_I feel closer now_

_To walk the dead_

_Every night I fear is the last with you_

_So please remember what it meant_

_I feel I'm growing numb a slight chill to my flesh_

_Like one million knives stabbing a hole through my chest_

_There is no comfort my surroundings bleak as night_

_The angels of death are awaiting for me to line me in their sights_

_I awake to this anxiety_

_That every breath every step might be my last_

_Lifeless I fear the wrath of God_

_I hear the dead speak through the walls_

_Remember me eternal sleep awaits me underground_

_I will await for you to follow to the other side _

_My body will be set aflame tonight Even though my heart will remain it's cold as ice inside I feel my fists are buried in the pavement Helpless to the rotting cancer set to ruin my life I awake to this anxiety That every breath every step might be my last I feel I'm growing numb a slight chill to my flesh Like one million knives stabbing a hole through my chest There is no comfort my surroundings bleak as night The angels of death are awaiting for me to line me in their sights Lifeless I fear the wrath of God I hear the dead speak through the walls Remember me eternal sleep awaits me underground I will await for you to follow to the other side I feel closer now To walk the dead Every night I fear is the last with you So please remember what it meant I feel I'm growing numb a slight chill to my flesh Like one million knives stabbing a hole through my chest There is no comfort my surroundings bleak as night The angels of death are awaiting for me to line me in their sights I awake to this anxiety That every breath every step might be my last Lifeless I fear the wrath of God I hear the dead speak through the walls Remember me eternal sleep awaits me underground I will await for you to follow to the other side_

I recognized the song as _Death Anxiety _and smiled as the music filled my ears laying back and pulling my computer onto my lap once again and went on face book only to see that John had messaged me; _hey kiddo hope school is alright, decided on a career yet ha-ha? You know dad will ask. Talk to ya later Virge._

_Career? I hadn't given it any thought and I was in grade 11. I always thought being a social worker would be cool help kids and stuff but that was no use to International Rescue and dad would disapprove. Then there was a teacher but I don't know how I could handle at least thirty kids in one class and I hated school now and I don't know what I'd do with lesson plans. Then there was a doctor help kids like me who were scared of dying and just wanted a diagnosis. _

_Hey that could work Virge the Surge_. I laughed silently nodding. Maybe just maybe that could work.

I pressed reply on John's message and started typing watching my fingers dance around the keyboard.

_Hey John, Kiddo, you're kidding right? -_- I'm two years younger than you. Actually ya I have thought of a career (weird right Virgil's actually thinking ahead O.o ) So far I'm between Social Worker, teacher (Grades 8-11) and doctor. I know you'll ask "What kind of doctor" Just plain old doctor maybe study a bit of neurology, psychiatry, paediatric and obstetric. I know it's an extensive list but at least I have options right? Later, Virge the Surge :/_

I considered taking out the :/ face but decided against it John would probably guess I meant the face to go with the name not my mood.

I logged off Facebook after checking over everything once again before logging off and going onto Six Billion Secrets I loved this site it was kind of a reminder that the world wasn't perfect and that other people were going through what I was and that they did care. I saw all these posts and random people would comment saying everything will be ok, Message me anytime you need to or you are beautiful I love you.

Sure there was bad in the world but there was a whole lot of good too. My heart went out to each and every person that posted no matter what whether they were abuse victims (verbal, physical and sexual) The rape victims, (Guys and Girls) the self-harm victims or even the girls or guys who had never been in love or were in love with somebody who didn't love them back (Gays or lesbians or best friends) I guess it seems weird that this is my most frequented site but I'd reached out to a few of these people (of course they had no idea I was Virgil Tracy) I had a bunch of them on MSN and they were all really nice and just needed somebody who cared it's just I wish I could tell them my problems whenever they asked if I was ok.

"Yo Virge you ready?" I looked up at Jeff and nodded before closing my computer and following him out the door.

We got to the soccer field and I saw Jeff and to my surprise Max, Fang's girlfriend**. (A/N Don't kill me! *Hides behind my igloo with my polar bear* I love you guys….) **

I stared wide eyed before noticing that another girl was looking at me her green eyes friendly and accepting but there was something hidden regret? I returned her smile she was nothing extraordinary her brown hair fell at her shoulders curling at the ends slightly and a cute button nose. She didn't wear much make-up a bit of foundation and lip gloss and that was it, I liked that.

"Anyways this is Max and Erin. Danielle said she'd be along soon but I don't know. Also Dave said he'd be here but whatever let's get started anyways those dudes can catch up whenever." I pulled out my phone setting an alarm for 6AM before taking the small blue pill that Jeff handed to me. I smirked before swallowing it and lay down on my stomach watching the others as I started feeling nauseas and happy and shaky and energetic all at the same time.

I felt somebody brush my arm and a warm feeling went through me. I looked and saw Erin damn she was hot she seemed to glow too. She rubbed my arm again and the tingling spread. I needed to touch her to feel her body under mine.

I smiled damn I was so damn happy why was I smiling so much? I went on top of her my body feeling like a live wire and pressed my mouth to hers. I swear fireworks exploded and danced around behind my eyelids. I felt so happy and alive I loved this feeling I loved this moment. I could stay here with Erin forever.

I pulled away from her breathing deeply it felt…nice yet weird at the same time. I wanted to feel her skin rubbing against mine without all these clothes between us. I pulled off my shirt and immediately felt closer to her. I went back to kissing her before I felt myself being dragged backwards. "Mr. Tracy!" The voice sounded shocked somehow and all I wanted was Erin beneath me or somebody touching me. "Get back to your dorm! Your too Mr. Richardson and Mr. Fred. Miss Desiree and Miss Ride try to resist these boys they'll only end up hurting you."

I ran practically skipped off to my dorm and heard Jeff come in behind me. He seemed to glow as well his skin practically sparkling. As he shut the door I pressed up against him feeling his skin come in contact with mine. "Get off me Virge!" He shoved me back and got onto his top bunk getting under his blanket. I felt drowsy and went to my bed the blankets feeling nice on my skin. I looked up suddenly wondering if I should sleep and immediately regretted it the light was so bright!

I turned so I was facing the wall and pressed up against it pleading for contact before closing my eyes against the remaining light around me.

**I'm sorry . I kinda put Virgil in a bad spot…..but hey whatever he'll live…..maybe. Anyways I was so freeking happy when I wrote this so forgive me? Anyways gotta go lubb u all**


	7. Chapter 7 Away from the Sun

**Hi all I'm sorry for the short delay….i was going to post at 3 this morning but I decided to go to sleep instead so here is the next chapter. I am actually in a great mood so it's around 3000 words. Let's just say I got my friend's hat :P**

I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket and rubbed my eyes sitting up slowly. _What the hell happened last night and where the fuck is my shirt! _I looked around before jumping out of bed almost hitting my head on the top bunk and getting on a pair of light wash jeans that were slightly baggy and a black button down shirt before running into the bathroom.

I studied myself in the mirror before turning my neck sideways and noticing a hickey on my neck._ A hickey what the fuck! _I ran my hand through my hair a couple dozen times before messing up my hair so it covered the hickey and putting on my clothes.

_Erin Desiree_ I smiled remembering the name. The smile quickly turned to an embarrassed blush and my hands covering my face_. I am such an idiot Ecstasy what was I thinking! What would dad think? What would John or Scott think! I fucked up I fucked up bad!_

I went out of the bathroom trying to get the thoughts out of my head. "Jeff wakey, wakey!" I put my foot on my bunk springing myself up and screamed in his ear again. He stirred before his head shot up and he looked at me slightly disoriented. "We have school today get ready."

"Did last night-" I nodded before grabbing my shoes and socks and putting them on and grabbing my school bag. "But we-you-how are we back here?"

"Teacher busted us we skipped back following the yellow brick road." I gave him a funky half smile and Jeff looked at me eyes wide with horror. "Dude you tried to uh….well…..let's just say you were pressing me up against the wall." I looked at him my eyes going wide and he smirked.

_He seemed to glow as well his skin practically sparkling. As he shut the door I pressed up against him feeling his skin come in contact with mine. "Get off me Virge!" He shoved me back and got onto his top bunk getting under his blanket. _

"No dude that never leaves this room! You can't breathe a word." He nodded sticking out his hand and I shook it.

"Deal. Now let me get ready." I nodded and sat on my bunk putting my head in my hands.

"Dude come on let's go." I raised my head smiling slightly and nodded going out the door and to the elevator. It came up and just my luck there was Fang, Iggy and Gazzy. I threw on a fake smile getting into the elevator.

"Hey guys."

"Missed ya yesterday Virge where were ya?"

"I wasn't feeling well." I avoided Fang's gaze and pressed the button for the ground floor.

"So where were you guys last night we went by your room but there was no answer?"

"Oh I wanted to see this smoking hot girl and Virge came along to meet her roommate."

"What he said." Fang smirked Iggy and Gazzy looked at each other and I smiled at Jeff obviously he'd forgiven me for last night did I say oops yet?

The elevator door opened and we all rushed to get out walking to the school. "So are we meeting for lunch?"

"Ya of course, Jeff you joining us?"

"Well probably not and Virge Erik said that Erin's sitting with them today so you should join us." I know my face went red and Iggy and Gazzy just hit my arms and I knew they thought she was a girl I liked. _Oh ya I forgot to mention I was ready to have sex with her last night, ya that'd go over real well. _

"Well go for it Virgil wait is she that Erin Desiree? Dude she is so cute." I looked at Iggy cute? Well ya what else would you call her? She was around 5'2 and that button nose and the way her hair fell around her face did make her cute.

"Now that I think about it cute totally describes her." I nodded at Iggy and he just smirked shrugging.

I heard the bell and ran off to P.E with Mr. Helms. The only reason he passes me is because Scott and John are my older brothers. I thought grudgingly.

Damn I was tired all I wanted was to go back to bed and sleep and maybe ditch this headache that was right smack in the middle of my forehead.

I ran into the change rooms with Gazzy and quickly put on my shorts too lazy to change shirts. "We're in the gym by the way. The coach has us started on basketball."

"Ok thank god I really didn't want to be outside." Gazzy nodded as he put on his shirt and he looked at my neck suspiciously.

"Did you and Jeff have more fun than you let on?" I raised my eyebrows at him and he gave me that are-you serious-look before he pointed to my neck "That hickey." I put a finger to my lips.

"Don't tell the world and no it's not from Jeff. Dude Jeff. No it's a long story ok?"

"Erin than." I looked at him before giving him a small nod. He smiled glad he'd figured it out and we went into the gym where Coach Helms was standing hands on his hips. "Did you lie for me yesterday?" I whispered to Gazzy.

"Yup said you looked tired the night before and you probably accidentally slept in." I nodded and smiled at him before going up to the coach.

"Hey coach sorry for missing yesterday morning I had a bit of a headache and I was super tired the night before and slept right through my alarm."

"Well I'm glad you're back today Tracy how are those brothers of yours?"

"Great they said to give you their best." he smiled proudly obviously not seeing through my lie. I made my way back over to Gazzy and sat down beside him on the gym floor. I seriously needed to stop lying I was getting WAY too good.

"Mr. Helms I need you in the teacher's lounge the coffee machine is out of order and everyone else is so in depth with their lessens…err not that you're not." I looked up to see the lady from the office standing there smiling slightly. The teacher got up looking at us.

"I'm trusting you to be good the basketballs are out I'll be back in thirty minutes, Tops." I sat there with Gazzy I didn't want to get up I didn't want to move I didn't want to speak.

"So you want to play a little one on one?" I looked at Gazzy shaking my head

"Not really." I replied speaking for his benefit so he wouldn't worry. I felt my finger twitch and looked at it moving it slightly before shrugging.

What could my finger twitching mean? Am I dying? I knew what was happening and tried pushing the feeling away Not here not now! Please don't let this happen! I knew my heart rate was increasing and my breathing was fast. I tried steadying it but nothing worked.

"Gazz I'll be right back." He nodded and I smiled reassuringly before heading to the change room at full speed. I closed the bathroom stall door behind me before sitting on the seat bringing my legs to my chest tears springing from my eyes. Not again, not now. Please god let me stop worrying let me feel normal.

I tried getting up but fell back down my legs were shaking my heart was racing and my heart was beating so fast you would've thought I'd been running a freaking marathon. I tried calming myself thinking I was fine when really I doubted it. My legs never shook this bad before, nothing twitched randomly and I didn't have headaches or even an anxiety disorder.

_What is fucking wrong with me? _

I pushed the thought from my brain and wiped my eyes only for the tears to come flooding back. I pushed them away again starring at the light before going back into the gym to see Gazzy playing basketball with some guy. I put on a fake smile and sat down in a corner away from everybody.

_Who would care if I died? _

The normal thought rushed into my head full force my family. It was always them keeping me here when I wanted to give up and now was no different. You know other than the anxiety disorder and whatever else I have but you know it's all good.

The bell awoke me from either my thoughts or sleep and I sat up groggily before realizing that Coach Helms had never come back and that class was over. Horridly I ran into the change room and threw on my jeans and grabbed my bag before running off to History.

"Well hello Mr. Tracy you're late again. Second day in a row, do you need a detention to teach you a lesson or will you learn by tomorrow?"

"I'll be on time tomorrow I promise."

"Don't make promises you can't keep Mr. Tracy." I nodded taking a seat in the back and laid my books down as Miss Dawson got us taking notes and doing a worksheet. Why couldn't I be homeschooled?

I hated Math with a passion and was overjoyed when I heard the bell and went off to lunch determining if I would sit with Erin or Fang and the guys. I sighed as I walked into the cafeteria and went and got lunch not really feeling hungry.

"Hey guys." I say as I walk over to the table with Gazzy and Iggy talking about what courses they'll take in college and University (pyrotechnics and pyrotechnic history as well as study of bombs and some sort of science thing I didn't catch) Fang and Max sitting there casually talking and Jeff over at a table with Erik and some other people.

I looked around before catching Erin's eye. She smiled getting up and coming over to her table with a brown haired girl beside her.

"Hey Virgil this is my friend Ella." She smiled as she sat down beside me and Ella beside Iggy. "So, you coming to the party tonight?" Everybody's heads shot in our directions and Erin looked at me seeming to catch on. "Jeff said you'd be there I mean it's just a small get together to study but you know I like the word party it's more…fun." She performed perfectly acting all bubbly it took everything in me not to laugh and make myself look either really nervous or really unattractive.

Max looked at me her eyes wide silently telling me not to say a word. "Ya I guess I can be there Erin. I have a bunch of homework anyway." She smiled and took my hand in hers what did she want from me? Did she want to finish what happened last night? Sure I'd thought about sex but I never really THOUGHT about it.

"Cool so what do you have next?"

"English Lit with Gazzy." Erin looked at me confused. "Oh well those three have nicknames Ian is Iggy, Nick is Fang and Jack is the Gasman AKA Gazzy."

"Oh so what's your nickname." She looked at me obviously flirting or being seductive I couldn't tell and honestly I would've totally started kissing her then if not for Fang's eyes boring into my head shooting laser beams at my brain.

"I don't think I have one to be honest. Just plain Virge." She smiled her thumb going in circles on my hand.

"Ya I'm the same way. It's ok. But I need to go to my locker will you come with me?" I nodded and looked at Ella who was happily talking with Iggy and Gazzy before turning to leave with Erin

We got out into the main hallway (which was unluckily empty) and Erin pinned me against a wall smiling. "I really wish we hadn't gotten interrupted last night." Dear god she was a slut, I definitely didn't need this kind of relationship.

I pushed her off me gently and she stood there for a minute shocked and I took my chance and ran to the cafeteria hiding under the table saying "Issue number three-one-two" I have to admit I felt like a ninja when really they had no idea what it meant so I whispered "Slut alert" as I heard the cafeteria doors open again.

"Have you seen Virgil come through here?"

"Nope sorry." I heard Fang say before Iggy cut in.

"Well I thought I saw him head for the gym…..or was it the foyer."

"He went that way." Gazzy and Iggy said at the same time them both pointing to opposite directions.

"Fine whatever." She said defeated before I heard the cafeteria door close again and emerged from under the table.

"Thanks guys I owe you one." Iggy and Gazzy high-fived and I looked at Ella she looked at me and smiled slightly.

"It's ok I know what a slut she is. It's just I came here this year and I didn't know anybody so I'm kind of hanging around her and ya." Damn she could talk I smiled I always liked girls like that less awkward silences.

"Well you don't have to be around her you're welcome to chill with us anytime you want." Ella's face lit up as Iggy said that and I looked at them I'd give them two weeks tops, until they were in a relationship.

I heard the bell ring and waited for Gazzy before we both walked off to English literature. "So what happened with that Erin girl?"

"She wanted to get into my pants." Gazzy looked at me as if he were about to laugh but cleared his face of all emotion so he looked real serious.

"That is such a girl thing to say." I burst out laughing and he did the same people looking at us like we were insane but ignoring them and laughed until our sides hurt and tears were streaming down our faces.

"Why were we laughing again?" Gazzy asked as we had both calmed down and sat in our seats. I shrugged a slight chuckle escaping.

"I think it was something about sluts and whores." At the two words Gazzy burst out laughing again for no apparent reason.

"Lovely way to put it bro." I laughed slightly my face suddenly feeling hot. I put a hand to my face and felt it burning hot. "Dude you ok?" I met Gazzy's gaze and I nodded. "Really because your cheeks are all red?"

"Ya just a bit warm from all that laughing." I laughed slightly brushing it off when really inside it was fucking making me flip out. _What was making me so warm? Could it be my headaches? Am I dying? What the hell is wrong with me?_

I sighed as the teacher came in and pulled my iPod out from my pocket seeing I had automatically signed onto the school's wireless network.

I clicked on the Facebook app. I noticed one new message and opened it up seeing a response from John. I smiled and opened the message.

_Hey kiddo hope school is alright, decided on a career yet ha-ha? You know dad will ask. Talk to ya later Virge._

_Hi John, Kiddo, you're kidding right? -_- I'm two years younger than you. Actually ya I have thought of a career (weird right Virgil's actually thinking ahead O.o ) So far I'm between Social Worker, teacher (Grades 8-11) and doctor. I know you'll ask "What kind of doctor" Just plain old doctor maybe study a bit of neurology, psychiatry, paediatric and obstetric. I know it's an extensive list but at least I have options right? Later, Virge the Surge :/ _

_Well Virgil since I am older than you I automatically get the right to call you kiddo. You're being uncharacteristically sarcastic is everything ok? Good career choices I know you'll be good at whatever you decide __ just know I'm here for ya ok? Love you, take care kiddo. _

I sighed looking at the last two sentences reading over them again and again. Could I tell him? Would he understand? I shook my head as I clicked on reply and started to respond.

_Hi John I'm fine don't worry. Thanks John good to know you support me __ Lov ya too, tell Jessica I say hello, Virgil. _

I pressed send and put my IPod into my pocket wishing I could tell somebody.

**Ok John comes in next chapter which will be Friday so that should give you something to look forward to. I hope all my viewers are doing well and if you aren't well I'll send you some nice homemade Canadian cookies (if there's even such thing) So good night hope you enjoyed it **


	8. Chapter 8 Breaking the Habit

**Ok hi all here is chapter 8 **** I might not get chapter 9 up for another week or so because I leave for holidays on Monday and will be traveling all day but we'll see….anyways enjoy :P**

Two more hours until November seventh 11:47. Two more hours until I die, two more hours of life and laughs. Jeff is on his top bunk quietly snoring while I'm up reading over the last few days' worth of secrets on . I submit a few of my own hoping that if I die tonight somebody will see them and know I'm not ok.

_This is silly, how much you're worrying you're fine Virgil._ The little voice in my mind says while a more dominant voice says I'm going to die tonight, a very lonely death.

I try blocking out the tall dominant figure who sits in the corner of my mind but he won't leave, he never leaves. While the reassuring voice is often intimidated by Dominic (Yes I named him!)

"Derry I miss you." I say just barely a whisper. I loved her I would write little notes with everything I loved about her (Her smile, laugh, the way she always kept a conversation going, the way she'd explain things when I didn't get it, her understanding and most of all the way she'd sneak in little glances at me) I used to think she liked me too but I never said anything to stubborn to admit I liked her too shy to say how much I thought of her.

I went to six billion secrets and pressed the button saying submit your secret and started typing.

_I loved this girl she passed away a year ago I'm scared I'll die just like her. I wish I could talk to her one more time. Don't be afraid to say what you feel because you may never get another chance. _

I pressed submit before going onto Facebook and cruised around before seeing a conversation had popped up. I saw it was John and sighed closed my eyes before responding to his casual _Hey Virge _

_Virgil says: Hi Johnny how are you? _

_John says: Pretty good just watching some chick flick with Jessica, How are you? I could almost hear him saying this concern filling his voice._

_Virgil says: Pretty good, can't sleep _

_John says: something bugging you kid?_ I squeezed my eyes shut typing up _Nope not in the least, I'm having anxiety attacks every day and I feel one coming on right now, I wish I could be convinced everything is fine_. Before deleting it and editing (lying) majorly.

_Virgil says: I'm good just can't sleep._

_John says: Virgil don't pretend like I'm stupid, I know today is Darryl's anniversary. I know you're beating yourself up but it's ok, everything happens for a reason. She's in a better place now_. The best place for her is right here in my arms, I thought before softening up, at least he remembered.

_Virgil says: I just wish she were still here John…._

_John says: We all do sport but that won't bring her back, just think she's with mom now. I nodded he was right she would be happy wherever she ended up. She's probably with mom smiling and laughing. _

_Virgil says: That doesn't stop me from missing her. _

_John says: I know. I know you loved her Virgil and I can't blame you but you have to stop beating yourself up, there's nothing you could've done._ I could've been there for her! I could've seen behind her lies and saved her!

_Virgil says: Don't fucking tell me there's nothing I could've done! I could've saved her! But I was too much of a selfish douchebag to do anything! _

_John says: Virgil…..I know it's hard but you have to let go, getting angry won't help anyone._ I wanted to punch him I didn't want to let go! I wanted her back here with me! Shaking I put my computer down and got up silently going into the bathroom and grabbing my bathroom bag from under the sink. I took the blade out and pushed my sleeve up. I pushed the blade in and sketched the word Derry before washing the blade with shaking hands and going back to my bed.

_John says: Virgil please, don't do anything drastic_ I could almost see his face the disappointment and concern.

_Virgil says: Drastic? Like what drugs? I'm not Scott, John._ I knew that would sting since John still blamed himself for Scott's overdose years ago. Plus it was too late I was a cutter and did drugs already.

_John says: Virgil why would you joke about that? Please Virge drugs aren't the answer they only make your problems hit you harder. _

Ya the usual _drugs aren't the answer _speech. Everybody got it and most people didn't listen including me.

_Virgil says: Whatever John. It's too late_ I tried deleting the last part but I'd already pressed enter.

_John says: Virgil, it's never too late…..I wish you'd told somebody you were hurting this badly. _

I looked down at my arm covered in scars and fresh cuts_, Derry_ was still bleeding and it was starting to scare me it'd been five minutes. It is too late for me John I thought.

_Virgil says: Whatever I have to go anyway_. I pressed the list of online people and went to settings putting myself to offline I didn't want to talk to John anymore I'd admitted enough already. I saw my messages go to 1 and ignored it knowing it was from John. I counted down the second until 11:47 and expected myself to die, whatever that felt like.

I closed my eyes and nothing happened. I pinched my arm, _I'm still alive? What?_ I pinched myself again to be sure and shook my head. _Why am I still alive? _

_You're not done yet Virgil_. Mr. Reassuring said. I rolled my eyes and shut my computer putting it under my bed and looked at my wrist. It was still bleeding! _I'm dying I cut too deep I hit a vein!_ I ran into the bathroom and ran water over it begging it to stop.

I don't know what woke me either the sun or just my body telling me I'd slept long enough. Probably option A since I still felt tired as fuck. I shook my head looking at my watch. 1:46 PM I swear my eyes almost jumped out of my head. Great close to fourteen hours and I'm still tired. I heard a knock on the door and looked down and shrugged I was only in boxers and a long sleeved shirt who cared? I went to the door and pulled it open expecting Fang or someone but getting John. He smiled slightly and stepped inside closing the door behind him and went to sit on my bed. I noticed the red stain at the same moment he did and looked down avoiding his gaze.

I expected him to say something like _"Start your period Virgil?"_ or "_What girl did you get into?"_ Instead he patted the bed and I stayed in place not wanting to sit.

"Come on Virgil talk to me." His voice was soft caring and concerned. I wanted to launch myself into his arms and tell him everything but instead Jeff walked in ruining my chance.

"Wow sorry Virgil, hi John." He smiled sheepishly obviously wanting to get out. I looked at him and noticed his eyes were red. Please don't notice John, Please don't notice.

"Virgil grab some jeans and a jacket in less you want to stay." I looked at him making sure he was serious. How could he even offer that? He knew I had a problem but he was offering to let me stay_. I want to stay, no go._ I gave in and slipped on a fresh pair of light wash jeans and grabbed a hoodie shoving it over my head before holding the door open. John walked through it giving me a resilient look that _said I mean business._ I understood what Scott said about John having the worst temper of the five of us.

I ran up beside John and realized I barely had to look up anymore I was almost up to his ears. We got to his car before he said anything and even then it was almost so quiet I didn't hear it. "Why Virgil?" His eyes closed as he shook his head putting his hands on to wheel whether to calm himself or stop himself from punching something I didn't know.

"Hear me out."

"Virgil what the hell were you thinking?" I moved right so I was against the door my hands probably shaking more than they already did. "I mean were things really that desperate that you had to turn to drugs! What the hell is the matter with you?" He looked at me and his gaze softened considerably. "Virgil…." I realized a few tears had escaped and my breathing was rapid. I put a finger up to my neck and immediately felt my pulse. I counted my pulse 21x6 which is 126. I felt my breathing increase and sucked in a breath. It didn't feel sufficient, my lungs were shutting down!

"Virgil?" I could hear my breathing and watched my chest sink and fall barely a second between my exhale and inhale. "Virgil?" John's voice was filled with concern his anger fully disappeared. Calm down Virgil I told myself but I couldn't do it I couldn't relax. I felt John's arms lock around me and listened to his heartbeat finding peace. "It's ok, I'm sorry I would never hurt you."

I nodded as I put a hand to my throat and counted my heartbeats for ten seconds. 98 per minute. That was a better number. I pulled away from John and nodded. "What was that?"

"Nothing." John looked at me and it felt like he was looking straight at me and peering into the corners of my mind. "Just an anxiety attack."

"Just, Virgil don't brush this off as nothing, that was something, that was a major something. What's going on with you man?"

"Nothing " _Anxiety I want it to stop_

I'll talk to dad get him to help you." I shook my head furiously and John agreed not to tell dad. "You hungry?" I shrugged and John nodded as he put the car into reverse and pulled out of the parking lot.

"So when did it start?" John asked as we sat at a table in the mall cafeteria.

"Four months ago if that." John nodded shaking his head as his fist clenched and went down on the table. I flinched jumping slightly.

"Why didn't anybody notice? Why didn't you tell anyone?" I shrugged when I knew the answer _I'm too good of a liar_. "Virgil, you seemed ok when I saw you at the wedding you seemed ok." _Oh ya because I was hiding in the crowd refusing to dance saying hi to anyone who looked my way. _

"It was your special day." John nodded obviously deep in thought possibly having one of those 80's flashback moments dad always talked about even though he was young in the 80's.

"What'll happen when dad launches I.R we'll be going into rescues risking our lives_?" And we don't need you having panic attacks on rescues_. He didn't say it but it was implied.

"I was fine before this I'll be fine after this." I wasn't sure about it but I managed a half smile and John looked straight through me obviously seeing through the act. "I will."

John nodded not wanting to question it. "Ok tell me something Virgil where did that blood on your sheet come from?" I sat up strait and gulped no not that I can't tell him can I? I simply shook my head not wanting him to see.

John's eyes shot through me and I could almost feel the burn. I pulled off my sweatshirt uncomfortable careful to keep my sleeves down. "Oh." I looked at him following his eyes and looked at my shirt noticing the blood stain. _No, no, no, no, NO!_ "Oh Virgil." I pulled on my sleeve nervously looking down at my empty wrapper. "So that's what happened when you went off for a few minutes. I thought you were getting a beer." _Damn I should've thought of getting a beer that would've been nice._

"I know what you're thinking and I am so not buying you beer_." Oh please I'm sure Erik could get some easy. If he can get E he can get booze._

"I wasn't thinking that John." _I wish I had though_

"You miss home don't you bro?" I shrugged then nodded I could tell John wanted me home, I wanted to be home but I wanted to be at school with the support of drugs. John still didn't know everything, He didn't know about my constant urge to cut, or how I wanted to be depressed just so somebody might notice or care and he had no idea about Erin and he was never going to know about her. "Christmas break starts December third for you right?" I nodded and John smiled. "Jess is spending Christmas with her dad and her grandmother is sick, she wanted me to be with you guys so I'll be home."

I nodded happily but another part of me was scared at having my two older brothers there I would never be alone; I'd have to pretend to be happy all the time. I'd have to block of out the nightmares.

"You don't look happy about it Virge."

"I am, it just seems too far away. _Liar. _Dominic hissed and I tried pushing him out the door but he wouldn't budge I was too small. I was shrinking growing shorter and shorter until he picked me up manhandling me and smirked.

"Virgil?" I looked up drawn out of my mind and smiled slightly. "Come on let's head back but I want to get your arm checked out first." I shook my head frantically and John came up behind me putting a hand on my shoulder getting me to stand. "Ok if you're sure just don't let it get infected."

"John I know what's happening inside and outside my body every bruise every freckle every scar I won't let it get infected." John nodded and grabbed my sweater swinging it over his shoulder. "John are you and Jessica planning on having kids?" John burst out laughing and I felt relieved finally having the spot light off of me.

"Scott would kill me if I had kids before him_." But he already has a kid John._ John looked at me and obviously he knew too. "I never said that. Also word travels well your principle called home if that girl gets pregnant you're dead."

"Nothing happened!" John burst out laughing and ran a hand through his hair before ruffling my own.

"Come on let's get you back." I nodded as we got out to the parking lot and raced to the car laughing.

**Ok there's the chapter a good 2500 words hope you're happy **** my day has been a rollercaster but that's no excuse for not updating until 6 PM but anyways I love you guys and in case I'm on the road and don't get to submit my next chapter Merry Christmas **


	9. Chapter 9 Bitter Pill

**Ok hi, First off I want to apologize for the late posting even though it's only 5 PM but still…I hit the road tomorrow so Friday's chapter will be just as short as this one I'm afraid. Secondly I deleted like the 4000 words I had that was supposed to be this chapter because I was unhappy with it and couldn't decide on how I wanted to write this. I wanted it to hit you viewers hard like "Holy shit fuck damn" but I don't know if that worked out. So I probs don't make much sense now but you'll understand later.**

I walked into my room going over my conversation with John over in my head, feeling like a few pounds had been lifted off of my shoulders. "Hey Virge." I smiled at Jeff and he smirked. "You into a bit of a party?" I nodded I wanted a party; I wanted the happy feeling to last.

"Good because Erik got booze and more E." I smirked and lay back happy to be in new clothes and that the cut on my wrist was cleaned and bandaged.

"So how was family bonding time?" I made a choking noise and Jeff's head appeared from the top bunk laughing.

"That bad? What'd he do snap? Oh wait no that's Scott who gets mad easily right?" I nodded and Jeff slapped his red face. "It burns." His head disappeared and I let the smile slip off my face laying back and crossing my arms behind my head.

I got my laptop and went onto six billion secrets and a secret caught my eye.

_I have had a mask on my face ever since I can remember, always smiling even when I felt like dying. _

_I took it off when I came to college this year. I don't know who I am now. I pretended to be perfect for too long._

I started thinking really thinking about it._ I pretend to be sporty when really I'm not, who am I really? I'm a painter I'm a pianist but those are talents. I guess I'm strong but if I were I wouldn't be having anxiety attacks I wouldn't be getting hammered later. Caring? No if I were Derry wouldn't be dead. Sporty? Nope I only pretend to be. Happy? Ya right. I am nothing._

_I am a fake._

I shook my head trying to make the thoughts evaporate, trying to make myself feel better, and trying to forget. _Around home I let my mask come off, I never sugar coat things, I let myself get angry or sad. So is that what I am a dick? Who am I truly? Am I who I pretend to be at home or am I who I pretend to be here? I wish I knew._

"Come on man." I looked up and smiled closing my computer and throwing on a sweatshirt. I set my alarm on my cellphone and followed him out the door.

We made our way to the field and I recognized a few people from the first night, the twins, Max, Erin, Danielle, Erik and his friend Gale were there.

"You guys ready to get hammered!" Gale yelled in that way bands always did at concerts and I just looked at Jeff wondering who the hell this dude was.

"Ok Gale dude chill we don't want to wake up half the campus. Heh suckers." Erik said smirking slightly. We sat around in a circle, booze in the middle along with two bags, one of E and the other with already made joints. Well this was going to be a party for the history books, if any of us survived.

We each grabbed a joint lighting it with lighters that were passed around, Jeff passed me one and smiled. "Keep it I have more it's all yours." I smiled lighting my joint sucking in the sweet smoke and blowing it out feeling my brain get all fuzzy.

"Yo dude here." Jeff handed me a bottle of vodka and a small blue pill. I swallowed the pill with the vodka my throat burning as it went down feeling like I had just swallowed a million thumb tacks. I took another swig getting used to the burning and kept drinking until it was gone and my head was buzzing and I couldn't walk strait if I tried.

"Jeff I love you man like really, you're, you're great." I laughed slightly hugging Jeff.

"Dude, dude listen to me, listen to me you are the best friend I've ever had I love you man."

"Virgil pass me your bottle." I passed my bottle to Erik and he smiled holding up the two bottles. "Gerry I love you, we should hang out more often." He said in a manly voice and smacked the two bottles together. "I love you Timmy, we can never be apart." He said in a high pitch voice and soon we were all either laughing doing hilarious shit or smashing bottles on trees.

I couldn't explain it I felt weird, no not fuzzy or headachy but…..alive? I hadn't felt like this in months (without the help of drugs) I felt weightless as if I could do anything. I could tell if I was dreaming or not the only thing that suggested I wasn't was the familiarity of the soccer field with the trees surrounding it. Everybody was there all standing around a tree I couldn't understand it why would they be? What was the reason? I walked over and tapped Jeff on the shoulder. He didn't turn didn't even move an inch. That's what told me this had to be a dream.

The next thing I saw really sent me over the edge there was this guy covered in vomit and flies. He looked hideous with what skin that was visible a blue-grey colour and it looked like his tongue had swelled. To be honest he looked dead. I looked closer at the facial features and recognized myself. Virgil Grisson Tracy son of multi billionaire Jeff Tracy third born, middle child could possibly be dead.

"Somebody call 9-1-1!" I screamed but it seemed inaudible as if I were a mute, as if I were dead.

"No. No! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I screamed louder this time the sound bouncing off the trees.

"Guys Danielle." I saw Erin about twenty feet away and ran over seeing Danielle her brown hair curly and dried with sweat, her tiny fragile face still shiny with sweat her clothes covered in barf as mine were and her skin the same colour as mine.

"He's alive. Somebody call a goddamn ambulance!" Jeff screamed and I saw him reach into my pocket trying to avoid the vomit and pull out my cellphone. I didn't want to hear the rest didn't want to see I ran faster than ever before, without my lungs burning I could do this forever and nobody would ever notice.

I don't know when I stopped how long I'd been running but somehow I felt I had to. I felt something tugging me somewhere and soon I was thrown into my body feeling like I was being poked and prodded but felt nothing, not really anyway. I wasn't in pain but I felt it.

Soon I was thrown out of my body once more and stood beside myself in the operating room doctors around me doing stuff I didn't understand and I knew I'd had an allergic reaction Anaphylactic shock. I'd read up on it when John had told me about that happening to Scott, John said he'd been lucky having been found only an hour after and I knew I hadn't been so lucky.

_Amnesia_

_Brain damage_

_Coma_

_Death_

Those were all possibilities and I knew I was lucky to have made it this far. I looked at the clock on the far side of the room by the door. 10:57 it'd been about twelve hours and it was definitely a possibility I wouldn't make it out of here alive. Trying to get the thought from my head I thought of Scott, John, Gordon and Alan and wished I could talk to them; tell them I'd survive that I was surviving for them.

I exited the operating room as a nurse walked in and saw John hunched over in the waiting room his head in his hands. I walked over putting a hand on his shoulder. I knew it wouldn't help not really but it made me feel more comfortable somehow. "Why Virgil?"

"John? You can see me?" He didn't look up and a feeling of dread washed through me he'd just been asking himself not me particularly. "I'm sorry John." I said and sat down in the vacant seat next to him wishing there were some way I could make this better.

"Where the fuck is he Johnny?" I looked up at the same time John did and saw Scott there his jaw tight, his fists clenched and his hair messy as if he`d ran his hand through it a dozen times.

"Scott calm down he's in surgery." I'm not sure why Scott's face softened maybe from seeing the hurt look on John's face or the fact his little brother needed him.

"It's ok Johnny he's a Tracy he has to make it." I smiled at Scott glad he was keeping positive for John and partly for me even though he didn't know it. "How long till he's out?"

"The doctor said about an hour. It's been forty-five minutes, where's dad?" John's voice sounded hoarse as if he'd been crying or screaming and I wished I could help him somehow some way.

"He's getting the boys I'm not sure if he's coming here or not, don't worry Johnny we'll get through this. What happened to the girl?"

"She should be in her room." I looked at them knowing they'd be fine before running up to intensive care and checking every room before finding Danielle's. I saw her parents there looking somewhat sad but not nearly as upset as Scott and John.

"Who are you?" She asked and I looked at her parents they went wide eyed and for a second I could've easily mistaken them for squirrels.

"We're your parents Danielle." _Amnesia._ I thought to myself and went by the bed looking at her. At least she's more alive than me.

"Who's Danielle?" Unable to see more of this I backed out and made my way back to the operating room to see them finishing up and an oxygen tube down my throat. I winced at the thought and went back to the waiting room.

"Johnny she's not ok I don't know what to do." I said right in front of him on my knees. "Please…." I said my voice cracking at the end. I wasn't crying really my eyes didn't tear up it was like I was incapable of crying.

"Hello Scott, I heard you made quite an entry?" The doctor said trying to make a joke neither John nor Scott laughed just stood there arms crossed. "Virgil is in his room." They nodded and followed the doctor to my room. I barely recognized myself a breathing tube going down my throat a bunch of machines connected to me and a few wires.

I winced seeing Scott and John's faces. To say they were breaking down wasn't enough it was almost as if it were Alan in that bed not me. Scott moved forwards first and grasped my hand and John went to the other side taking hold of my left hand Please John don't flip over my hand. "There's one thing that unsettled me, John if you would flip over Virgil's hand to see his wrist." John looked at Scott and I could almost feel the tension.

It kind of moved in slow motion John flipping over my hand exposing my wrist and Scott having a bit of a rage attack. "He never said anything….."

"Most people who self-harm have a good reason, as well as drugs, was there anything going on? A lost relative perhaps?" Scott looked at John and I wanted to run from the room but I knew I couldn't.

"He has been having headaches as well as anxiety attacks for the past few months." John said quietly probably hoping Scott wouldn't hear.

"What? Why didn't I know, John when we get home you are so dead?"

"Well there is no brain tumour perhaps it was just stress sometimes headaches show up and don't disappear for years." I let out a sigh of relief and it was evident John did as well.

"Well I'll send your father strait up as soon as he arrives and leave you two alone." Scott and John didn't nod they were both still starring at my wrist every now and then Scott's mask would falter and a wince would escape, John sat clenching my hand saying things softly too me. I sat beside John hearing every comforting word and praying that, that was all it took to get me to wake up but I knew it would take so much more than that.

"I'm sorry Scott." I said quietly he didn't look up I don't know why I expected him to; maybe I kept hoping this would be a dream.

"Hi boys" I looked to the door and saw dad every wrinkle seeming like it was popping out. "How is he?" John and Scott looked at each other John shrugged and Scott spoke up.

"He's in a coma dad, the other girl has amnesia."

"How did you boys let this happen!" I looked at dad my fists shaking. _What the fuck is he talking about?_ "Neither of you noticed! You should've especially you Scott! I would've thought you of all people would be able to detect this!"

"You're right it is my fault. I should've noticed but I didn't and neither did you." _Scott please don't do this._ "So don't blame me when you're the one who was being a horrible parent!" _He crossed the line. _

"How dare you accuse me of being a bad parent after everything I did for you?"

"What was that dad running with your business and leaving us behind! Sure you gave us what we needed but all we wanted was our dad! You emotionally neglected us leaving me in charge to look after four younger brothers!" _Ok I can kind of see Scott's point he is right but dad lost his wife and almost lost his child. Neither of them was to blame really,_

"I have my own responsibilities dad! I have a girlfriend I have a child to look after and I can't always take over your responsibilities!" _Please don't hear him please don't hear him._ I thought, I prayed. I watched dad's face grow red with rage he heard all right.

"Oh so you think you know everything just because you have a child of your own! So now your child is more important than your brothers! You think you know everything don't you?" I went and stood beside John he hadn't said anything I don't know why maybe because he knows there's nothing to say nothing to do but wait it out.

"I never said that you basterd! Sure my brothers are partly my responsibility but they're your sons, I'm your son! You never met your granddaughter she's four years old and she always asks me _where's your parents_. You know what I have to tell my little girl? I have to say that her grandmother is in heaven and her grandfather locks himself in his office because he doesn't give a rat's ass!"

"Good I don't want to meet her she's probably an idiot a mistake just like you!" I saw John wince at the remark and we both knew there was nothing to do when Scott went forward firsts up as he stepped forwards.

"Don't you ever insult my baby, you fucker!" I saw Scott pull his fist up and used all my strength to knock the glass bottle in John's hand. It dropped hitting the ground causing it to break and little glass shards to go everywhere. Scott startled by the noise stepped back and ran over to John. 'You ok?" His voice thick with concern and possibly tears. John only nodded probably unsure of what to do. John pulled Scott into a hug Scott immediately breaking down the rage leaving behind hurtful words and sorrow.

**Ok that is it, 6 pages close to 3000 words, I'm sorry for being so mean to the boys I just wasn't happy with it any other way. I also came down with a cold and am loaded up on cold meds so if this chapter seems a bit sappy or unrealistic I'm sorry =[ I have to say personally I like the ending because Scott is the big brother and the protector and I thought it was good to get a good view of his soft side because secretly we all want to hugged **


	10. Chapter 10 It's Not My Time

**Ok sorry if this chapter moves a bit fast but it's only because it's so close to Christmas and I wanted a Christmas chapter on Christmas eve rather than a few days after Christmas and also I'm going to introduce Scott's girlfriend and his little girl **** so you have that to look forward to. Also I own John's and Scott's girlfriends so if you don't like them let me know and I'll lock them in a closet for a while…only because it's Christmas =D **

I figured out something that night, when you're having an out of body experience you can't sleep AT ALL. Which makes passing the time difficult since you also can't touch computers or anything. So pacing becomes acceptable and watching people sleep is just plain creepy. I wandered the empty halls, with their many lights on making me feel like I was in the spot light. Strangely I'd never really been in a hospital much before the only times were when one of us had gotten hurt.

It was interesting but sad at the same time, so many people waiting to die their loved ones hanging around sugar coating everything and telling them they'd survive. I followed around the neurologist during the day for a bit; it was an interesting job and not an easy one either. He took x-rays listened to people's complaints and worries never complaining giving a thorough diagnosis and telling people of the possibilities going over the symptoms in case the person hadn't trusted him with something. He was firm but loyal always keeping people up to date saying what he thought sugar coating a bit without engulfing it.

I visited Danielle too made sure she was doing ok, she wasn't doing any better but she wasn't worse either. I wondered what would happen to me if I got amnesia would I still have my anxiety disorder. Would I be more scared by it than I am now? I don't know which I would prefer having amnesia over being in a coma. I guess you got what you were dealt and had to live with it.

It seemed I was the only one having an "out of body experience" I was the only invisible one walking these corridors. In a way it was good being alone but in another I wished I weren't. I knew John still wondered about earlier when the glass had just dropped from him hand spontaneously. Maybe I'd get lucky and he'd piece it together and buy an Ouija board. Scott would probably laugh at him…until it started working.

I hadn't been thrown back into my body maybe it was for the best it was better to see than stare at the back of my eyelids depending on my other senses. Ya being invisible is a bit better not by much though

Things weren't looking up sure it'd only been three days but a lot can happen in three days. Just not a lot happened in these three days. Dad hadn't been back, Alan and Gordon hadn't been by, too busy with school I guess or dad hadn't told him anything as usual.

"Let me in you douche-canoe!" _douche canoe?_ I looked down the hallway that had been empty not twenty seconds ago to see a red head running from security and recognized him immediately.

"Gordon!" he had always been the rebel type now that I think about it. I ran next to him easily keeping up pace. "Left Gordon left." I said but he couldn't see me, I wish he could. I saw Scott and John come out into the hallway wondering what the commotion was and let out a sigh of relief.

"Gordon?" John said astounded as Gordon and I ran into the room. "Don't you have school?"

"I had to come dad wasn't saying shit and everybody around school was." I patted him on the shoulder wanting to say so many things but unable to be heard. Gordon seemed to look past John and Scott as tears welled into his eyes and I knew he saw me or my body.

"What happened?" John and Scott looked at each other before their eyes set on Gordon.

"Anaphylactic shock. It's a medical term for when drugs are well….bad."

"Aren't they anyways?" Good old Gordon always trying to lighten the mood.

"Well yes, but Gordon Virgil almost didn't survive there was another girl too she has amnesia, you see Gordon, Virgil wasn't so lucky."

"He's in a coma." Scott burst out and I silently thanked him I hadn't wanted to listen to John sugar coat it ether. Gordon looked between the two then went to my body's side.

"I should've noticed, everybody was saying it but I, I thought my big brother was too good for that. I thought he was fine." Gordon said as tears slid down her face.

"We all should've noticed Gordy." The two stepped forward and John sat pulling Gordon down onto his lap as if he were 10 instead of 14.

"He has to live, Johnny he just has too." I looked at John and Scott expecting to see a hopeful glance being shared between the two instead seeing a look of dread.

"I'm going to live! I swear I will! I have to….."

Jessica visited in the weeks to come talking to me specifically as if I were there _which I was_. Scott would joke calling Jess crazy and she would just respond saying _"call me crazy when he wakes up and recalls everything I've said."_ I liked her attitude she was so positive and uplifting I could see why dad always said she was definitely a Tracy woman.

Dad hadn't been back he sent flowers but even those hadn't come in direct contact with him he'd just gotten his secretary or somebody to send them along with a little card saying

_Hope all is well, love you, _

_Dad_

Pathetic really if you asked me but that was life. Christmas was drawing near there was a bit of snow of the ground not nearly as much as Ontario Canada. Scott had turned on the news and there'd been a screenshot of that blizzard, I couldn't imagine it that'd just be too much.

Jessica and John had gone out and made a snowman outside the window just to have something to look at and had ended up having a snow ball fight when Gordon had showed up. Alan hadn't been around much John had said he'd go get him to visit before Christmas. Only four days left.

The doctor had said I'd showed brain activity which was spectacular and that he was still a tad worried about whether or not I'd have brain damage. That kind of worried me but I knew I'd get through it _if I made it through this. _

I know it's weird to celebrate when your brother is in the hospital in a coma but somehow Scott and John had managed. I think Jessica had somehow convinced them to get each other gifts and a Christmas tree in here. Strangely Jessica can be quite outspoken and demanding when she wants to which is a change in her personality since she's usually quiet, conceded and thoughtful or that could be because she barely knows us. John always did say she was loud and spontaneous even though we couldn't believe it.

**(A/N I just had to insert an author's note here but I told my family that I put my character into a coma and they started saying "get him to wake up and be blind then let him go through therapy and get his vision back but go back into a coma and wake up and can't hear" So if you think I'm mean to Virgil be glad they can't control the story….XD just try to imagine what would happen to Virgil then) **

The nurse came in again the tall brunette one I think her name was Violet or something but couldn't quite remember. She was sweet checked over everything said a few kind words to whoever was in the room with me and said a few things to me like "stay strong sport" or "keep your head up like your nose was bleeding" Don't know why she said stuff like that probably because she didn't know what else to say.

She seemed to be around Scott's age around twenty and they would sometimes talk. For some reason I secretly hoped they would get together, I didn't know much about Scott's girlfriend but she seemed kind of needy and unsure of everything. Sure that was ok once in a while but to call him for every single thing was a bit much.

Luckily she hadn't called often but when she did she was hysterical I could hear her when I stood beside Scott and pressing my ear to the back of the cellphone. Yes I was a snoopy little brother but only because I cared.

Everybody took turns going out shopping Gordon came and went now (without so much as a word to dad) whenever somebody was alone with me they'd tell me what they'd gotten somebody Jessica was getting Scott some gag stuff (nail polish, make up and stuff like that) for whatever reason and she'd mentioned getting John a watch since his old one was pretty hurtin' (he had gotten it when he was twelve after all) and Gordon some nerf guns because she said she wanted to see what he would do with them and Alan a racing car set. She hadn't mentioned me though but I knew she was planning on it because she mentioned my present then winked saying _"you'll see"_

John mentioned getting Jessica a silver necklace with her birthstone and some corny fridge magnets since their fridge was _bare. _He was gettingScott a _16 and pregnant _shirt as a gag gift but John being John didn't know if he'd go through with it. He mentioned getting Gordon the new world records book and Alan a Spiderman costume.

Scott hadn't said much just some gag gifts for Gordy, a few books for John a locket for his little girl so she wouldn't miss him so much and a few toys or something for Alan.

Scott didn't seem into the whole Christmas thing maybe because he hated seeing me in here or because he just wasn't in the spirit. I don't know Scott pretended to be into it when everybody was around but when it was me and him he just looked dazed and depressed.

He'd mentioned he liked the nurse Violet a few times but that was as far as that went. I'd followed her around while she made her errands a few nights back and she'd mentioned she liked Scott and I knew I had to get on that when I woke up, _if I woke up. _

_Christmas Eve already? It seems like just yesterday I had gotten in here and was confused as hell. Time goes by WAY too fast nowadays. _I thought as I walked down the halls beside Violet. "I don't know what to do I like him but he has a girlfriend. She's probably gorgeous and talented I'm none of those things."

"Don't say that, you're prettier than her and she's downright annoying you'd be perfect for him." I said and even though she couldn't hear me I swore I saw her tense shoulders relax a bit.

"Virgil!" I heard a tiny voice cry and looked behind me and saw Alan running towards me. _Am I alive? _ I saw Scott running behind Alan who picked him up as he was right in front of me.

"Hi Violet sorry." Scott said blushing and Alan looked at him confused.

"But Scotty Virgil's right beside her." I smiled at Alan I was still invisible but he could see me.

"You see me?"

"What are you talking about Verge of course I see you." I smiled and put a hand on his.

"I love you buddy." Alan smiled and looked at Scott and then at Violet.

"Virgil's in his room Alan, he's in a coma remember?"

"I see him Scotty!" Alan cried frustrated now.

"It's ok Alan, I don't see him but you have special eyes so you get to see him." Alan smiled at Violet glad somebody believed him and I was too shocked to say a word to him.

"Alan, Violet's right you have special eyes, tell Scott I'm having an out of body experience. Can you do that for me?" Alan nodded repeating what I'd said and Scott looked to where I was standing and shook his head.

"Unreal, come on squirt let's go see Johnny you coming Violet?" She nodded smiling following us and I walked beside Alan a hand on his shoulder.

"Scott Carpenter Tracy!" I heard a voice shriek and looked behind me seeing a blonde woman with a brunette little girl with Scott's blue eyes walking beside her. His girlfriend. I saw Scott roll his eyes before turning and smiling opening his arms as his little girl ran into them.

"Hi daddy." Scott smiled at the little girl in his arms and the woman caught up. I saw Violet frown disappointed then turn smiling.

"Who's she?"

"This is Virgil's nurse Violet, Tina." Scott said rolling his eyes; he had always hated jealous girls.

"Oh well I decided to drop by with Rae she missed you can't see why though, you're as preoccupied as usual." I scoffed _what a bitch. _I thought and went beside her making an action to slap her across the face. Both Alan and Rae laughed slightly as I did this. _Greaaaat only little kids can see me. _

I looked at Violet a real smile on her face. "See Vi she has nothing on you." Alan looked at Violet smiling and pulled on Scott's sweatshirt until Scott went to his level.

I went in closer just in time to hear Alan whisper in Scott's ear "I like Violet better, Tina's mean." I couldn't help but laugh out loud at Alan's words as we walked into my room.

"Anyways I'd better go Scott, now that you have Rue I can go shopping. Bye sweetie, Bye Alan, Violet." Tina said everything but Violet's name nicely and shot a glare at Violet before walking out her high heels clicking with every step.

"She seems pleasant." Violet said and with that we all burst out laughing John and Jessica looking at us like we were crazy.

"John is it alright to say your brother has horrible taste in woman?" John chuckled nodding and Jess smiled and hit Scott in the arm. "You have horrible taste in woman, how could you pick somebody like her and not see that you and Violet are perfect for each other." Jessica said and smiled at Rae.

"But you're a little angel." She said and Rae smiled brightly as Scott put her down.

"I think I'm going for a walk." He said leaving the room. I looked at Violet and saw she wanted to chase after him but then I saw a hurt expression rest on her face. She obviously thought he didn't like her.

"I'd love to bet he'd making up his mind about what to do with Tina." Jessica blurted out.

"I'll put in ten to that." John said smiling.

"Alan, can you tell Jess I'd put twenty in."

Alan nodded proudly and stood on a chair so all eyes were on him. "Jessie, Virgil would put in twenty." Jessica looked around confused as did John and Alan, Rae and I looked at each other knowingly.

"Alan what do you mean when you say Virgil?"

"He's standing right beside you, only me and Rae see him." Alan said looking at me and I nodded giving him a thumbs up.

"It is Christmas after all and that seems like a perfect Christmas miracle." I smiled at John he'd said it perfectly. I really just wanted back into my body; I wanted to talk to my family. Suddenly I felt a tugging sensation as a warm feeling spread through me.

I couldn't explain it, my throat felt raw as if I'd swallowed a cheese grater, I was lying on my back and every bone in my body felt stiff. I tried opening my eyes but felt something in the way, I tried again and broke through seeing everybody around me looking concerned.

"Who are all of you?"

**Ya a Christmas miracle. There you go, a bit of a cliffy. You may be wondering about Danielle but I plan on bringing her back in. Ya I know I'm mean. I don't know what I'm going to name this chapter yet but I finished it Wednesday so I could easily upload on Thursday when I got internet back since on Christmas Eve I'll be busy with family stuff as you guys probably will be. So I'm sorry this chapter was kind of dry and slow but don't worry the next few will be good. I'm not sure if I'm ready to end this yet but I don't know how I'm going to continue on either but I'll find a way, I'm Ashley the Great :) lol XD ****h****a****p****p****y ****h****o****l****i****d****a****y****s ****by the way don't come to Canada and eat me I'll update Monday. **


	11. Chapter 11 How Could This Happen To Me?

**Hi…..I love you guys….don't eat me. Or start an angry mob. I'm sorry it's still Christmassy and the actual Christmas day chapter will be Friday I tried to smoosh it together but I couldn't do it. I'm sorry hope you guys don't mind. :) did I say I love you :) **

I don't understand why everybody was staring at me, what had I done wrong? "Virgil you don't remember?" I looked at the tall brunette who is he? I shook my head trying to recall but being unable.

"I'm your brother Virgil." Well he's looking at me so I'm guessing that makes me Virgil, what a weird name. "I'm Scott." He said as if that'd make me remember. "Guys I think it's time he saw Danielle." The blonde nodded putting a hand on Scott's shoulder. A brunette woman walked in and I swear Scott's eyes lit up.

"Hi Violet."

"Hi Scott, I heard a commotion everything ok?"

"Virgil can't remember." Violet came over looking at Scott every few seconds and I wondered how he couldn't know she liked him.

"Well Scott I think it'll take time, but honestly I think it's for the best evidently you don't know your little brother as well as you used to, this is your chance." Well she obviously was mad Scott hadn't noticed her, couldn't blame her, I'd be frustrated in that situation too.

"Virgil maybe your iPod can help, I found it in your jeans when I washed them and I thought you may want it. And Scott before you say anything yes I cleaned it I wouldn't have left it in the condition it was in. Also you might want to call his roommate I can imagine he's been worrying." Violet said handing me my "iPod" before leaving the room.

"What's her problem?" Scott said and I could only roll my eyes. He sure seemed blind as a bat.

"Seriously you're that blind you big buffoon!" The girl standing beside the blonde said before laughing hysterically.

"What?" Scott asked the blonde and I looked at the brunette beside John rolling my eyes. "Seriously what am I missing?"

"Virgil I'll give you the honours of yelling at your brother." I smiled and looked at Scott.

"Ok let me get down on your level, She like you." I said saying the last sentence slowly; seriously if I ever needed girl advice I was so screwed.

"Virgil when did you get so observant?" the blonde asked me and I shrugged, not seeming to remember. "Well Violet was right we need to update Jeff, I'll drop by get you some clothes as well Virgil and your computer. Scott go work out your feelings and Virgil don't do anything reckless." I was in a hospital how could I be reckless? How did I get in here anyway? And who the hell is Jeff?

Everybody walked out leaving me alone I starred at the item in my hands I should probably recognize it as my own but I don't. I pressed the button music and came to a playlist looking at the song playing. Nervous Breakdown-Hawthorne Heights. Should this be familiar to me? I pressed play and the music shot out from the little speaker the music filling the room.

I'm so over being sick.

I'm so sick of this relationship.

Go get a doctor, and an ambulance.

I need your kiss, it's the medicine.

It gets me moving going back and forth.

Everybody grab a map and help me chart the course.

I brought a compass, it's reading north.

It doesn't really matter if it's back and forth.

I thought that I should tell you, whoa

My world is crashing down again.

I'm spinning 'round, calling out:

"I'm falling down!"

I'm spinning 'round, calling out:

"I'm falling, I'm falling!"

I don't care, I don't care what you think of me right now

'Cause I'm gonna have a breakdown.

My only choice is to overreact.

Is this a voice or just a panic attack?

I need a doctor to help me try to relax.

No one ever told me I was living too fast.

I thought that I should tell you, whoa

My world is crashing down again.

I'm spinning 'round, calling out:

"I'm falling down!"

I'm spinning 'round, calling out:

"I'm falling, I'm falling!"

I don't care, I don't care what you think of me right now

'Cause I'm gonna have a breakdown.

You know me all too well,

But you never had the chance

To find out who I really am, who I really am.

[x2]

I'm spinning 'round, I'm calling out:

"I'm gonna have a breakdown!"

I'm spinning 'round, calling out:

"I'm falling down!"

I'm spinning 'round, calling out:

"I'm falling, I'm falling!"

I don't care, I don't care what you think of me right now

'Cause I'm gonna have a breakdown

I couldn't help but wonder what I'd been thinking of when I'd listened to this song, what my thoughts had been. I didn't understand it, breakdown? I feel fine though.

I looked down at my hands, my unusually short nails that looked rough at the ends and flipped them over. I saw the red marks on my palms first and looked down my wrists seeing all the scars and scabbing cuts, the most recent looked like the word Derry. Who's that?

I went forward a song to Bitter Pill Eyes Set to Kill. It hurt my ears and made me want to burn a cat or something.

((Sorry it's an inside joke….Austin if you see this….I found the reason to your addiction XD))

What did I do? I wondered and looked around at the empty room. I pulled out my headphones and slid off the bed grabbing the IV and walked into the hallway. I checked whether the coast was clear and walked down the hall. "Virgil?" I turned expecting to see Violet or somebody but saw a tall brunette woman standing in a doorway.

"Yes?" I asked trying to sound polite when I had no idea who the hell she was.

"I need to run out would you mind staying with Danielle?" Danielle? I nodded not wanting to be rude and she clapped me on the shoulder as I walked by.

I saw a beautiful girl sitting in the bed, her brown hair curly as if she's had a shower yesterday and her green eyes searching me curiously. "My mother said your name is Virgil. I guess I should remember you but I don't I'm sorry."

I laughed slightly letting out a breath I hadn't know I'd been holding. "Danielle, to be honest I can't remember anything. All I know is I have amnesia. I know before I was hurting but I don't know what happened."

"Wait, my mom said you were in a coma. You have amnesia too?" I nodded and Danielle smiled. "It's ok. After a while you get used to not remembering. That doesn't make it any easier though."

I nodded she seemed so sincere I could only wish I were like that. "I wish we could both remember."

"But isn't it better this way. I mean we have no knowledge of our lives but people around us reminding us of it almost like reincarnation but our memories have been blanked and we're fifteen not babies." I nodded and she looked at my arm her head turning slightly.

I held it up and shrugged. "I don't know what I did. No that's a lie I know what I did but I don't know why." Danielle nodded and touched my wrist softly.

"I wish for whatever reason you hadn't." Danielle said looking sadly at my wrist for whatever reason.

"Knock knock." I looked to the door and saw Scott smiling holding what I guessed was my laptop. "Hi Danielle glad to see Virgil is keeping you company, Virge I have your computer." Scott said and handed it to me. "Jeff said hello and I need to go I'll be back in the morning." I nodded and Scott came over giving me a firm pat on the back before leaving.

I opened the computer and noticed a website up six billion secrets. I read a few secrets and honestly I couldn't see why I'd read it, it was depressing.

I passed the computer to Danielle and she read I saw her pupils move but her eyes suddenly stopped and she got a sort of expression on her face like she'd zoned out but nobody could zone out that quickly. "Danielle?" I said growing concerned. She looked at me and I feared she was possessed or something for a minute then she smiled.

"Virgil you're ok." What? "You, you don't remember?"

"Danielle two minutes ago you didn't remember anything."

'The last thing I remember is throwing up and feeling horrible at that party." I wish I could remember. I thought "Are you ok? You look kind of down well then again I guess you wish you could remember eh?" I nodded slightly and she put a hand on mine. "It's ok give, it time." She smiled and looked at me as if she were looking into my soul.

"How'd you remember?" She looked at my computer screen and the smile slowly slipped off her face.

'I recognized my secret on there." She said passing me the computer. "Third down."

There's this boy I like him but he doesn't notice me, I've noticed he'd been hurting almost as much as me, I don't get it he has a good family. I think this could be my chance to get to know him but he would never like an emotionally abused girl like me. I'm broken beyond repair.

But how she seemed so happy, so carefree. I wondered who the guy was, whoever he was, he was lucky. "You mean…. I'm sorry, I really am." She nodded and I took her hand in mine squeezing it. "If it's that bad there's help out there."

"No there isn't Virgil it's not illegal, there are helplines and in California there's a group home but otherwise boarding school is my only option."

"There has to be something somebody can do, something I could do even. Nobody should have to live like that Danielle." Her eyes turned hopeful for a moment then she turned sad and shook her head.

"No I wouldn't want to be a bother."

"Virgil I'm back your brother, John he's back he wants to speak to you." Bad timing, I nodded giving Danielle's hand a quick squeeze before closing the laptop and going out into the hall back to my room. Blondie was there and I figured he was John. How was he my brother? He's blonde and Scott and I are brunette.

"Hey Virgil have fun with Danielle?" I shrugged sitting on my bed swinging my feet slightly. "What's up Virge?" John asked sitting in front of me. Tears filled my eyes at the thought and I tried blinking them away. "Wow, wow it's ok Virgil, its ok." He said sitting beside me and pulling me into a hug.

"She remembered John and I, I wish I could help her. What are her parents like, when you met them I mean?" John seemed taken aback by the question but continued rubbing my back.

"They seemed ok, a bit concerned but more concerned about their younger child, why?"

"John I have to trust you I want to I really do but I don't know if I can." I remembered my computer and put it on my lap pulling out of John's hug and shoved it in his face pointing at her secret. John read his eyebrows coming together. His hands started shaking and he passed my computer back. I closed it and set it on the side watching John.

"That's-I" John took a breath thinking of what he was going to say probably and looked at me. "That's not right. She can't stay there."

"She said there's no help for the emotionally abused. I offered to do something but she said she didn't want to be a bother and her mom came in and said you were looking for me." John nodded and looked at me.

"I'll talk to her; I'll talk to her mom, our dad somebody."

"John where's our mom?" I asked. Nobody ever mentioned her, nobody really mentioned dad either but I knew he was around somewhere. John looked at me shocked as if he didn't expect this.

"She passed away Virgil, in an avalanche when you were nine." I looked at him I wished I remembered, it must've hurt him to say that since he couldn't be more than two years older than me.

"I'm sorry it was rude to ask."

"Don't say that Virgil, you were curious there's nothing wrong with that." I nodded smiling and remembered Danielle not remembering our conversation moments before after she remembered.

"John when I remember everything I won't remember this but I want to, will you tell me?" He nodded smiling and flipped over my wrist.

"We're going to conquer your anxiety too." I smiled nodding. Glad I wouldn't have to forget. "Also Scott and I talked to your doctor he wants you to come home for a few days just to see if anything spikes your memory." I nodded happy I'd get to see home. "Since tomorrow's Christmas everybody is coming here but we'll leave later in the late afternoon or evening." I nodded remembering Danielle.

"John I wanted to get Danielle something, a simple bracelet could you maybe do that for me?"

"Ya I'm supposed to pick up Jessica from her mom's later she can help." I smiled thankful and John patted my shoulder. "I have to go speaking of which but I'll see you bright and early. I love you Virgil."

"Love you." I smiled and John smiled patting my shoulder getting up and exiting the room.

**Ok sorry I just went shopping with my aunt today and totally forgot about the chapter. It's like 8 now so well…it's still Monday….I love you guys **** Hope your holidays went well whether you celebrate Christmas or not. I have to go I'm seeing **_**black swan **_**later. I heard it's good and well I'm going with my aunt :D**


	12. Authors noteI'm sorry

**Ok hi all. Sorry this isn't a chapter it's just I'm on a ferry heading back to...Uhm Tracy Island XD. I really am sorry there's no chapter but I'm traveling back home and well honestly the last wfew days Ive had writers block so I haven['t been writing a lot. I know what I want to do i just don't know how to do it. So I will update if not tomorrow then Monday. I really a[ppreciate you guys and just well don't start an angry mob . **

**Natural Nobody**

**Ashley**


	13. Chapter 12 Falling For You

**Hi I'm sorry for the lack of update happy 2011…..wow I haven''t updated since last year. Well anyway here you go there's another A/N at the end of the chapter explaining more.**

I don't think I slept, I think all I did was lie there my thoughts running away from me. I think I really gave up on sleep around eleven when Scott came in. I sat up and smiled really feeling scared, of not remembering, of not being able to help Danielle.

"Hey Virgil." Scott said popping in again, I smiled covering the anxiety. "Something up?"

"Anxiety I'm fine." Scott nodded and continued on.

"Ok well everyone should be here soon enough my daughter and er girlfriend. Should be here after they're done and John and Jessica are visiting her mother then coming here and we'll see Gordon, Alan and dad later." I nodded feeling as though Scott was ignoring the anxiety, ignoring me.

"Ok sounds good."

"Want to open your stocking?" I shrugged not really caring and Scott passed me a stocking filled to the brink with stuff. "What about you?" He laughed slightly before pulling a stocking out from under the tree and sat up on my bed.

Honestly Christmas isn't my thing everybody was happy and I was happy because of that but I couldn't see the point. I mean sure it's good to give and receive but it's a selfish holiday. There are still many people out there suffering just because it's a holiday doesn't mean everything will suddenly get better.

All I know is I didn't recognize my own home when we first drove/flew up. I didn't recognize the pretty tropical island. We went in being welcomed by 'dad', Alan and Gordon, Alan running up showing off his gifts and Gordon smiling at me. I don't get how Scott and I were brunette, John and Alan were blonde and Gordon was a redhead why so much variety? What did our mom do sleep around?

I looked around my room a huge window overlooking the pool and balcony with the forest in the distance, a small keyboard an easel and a big desk with a computer and printer. I had everything and I didn't recognize any of it.

I went out into the living room where everyone was sitting on a big cream coloured 'L' shaped couch watching some show on T.V. I looked to see a grand piano I walked over my hand going over the shiny top and walked to the seat looking at it admiring it. "Hey dad." I looked to the couch to see Scott had nudged dad and they were looking at me.

Scott came over walking over and sat down patting the seat. I sat beside him and placed my hands on the keys smiling.

_I'd been practicing by myself pressing the keys and putting together sounds trying to make it sound natural like mom did. "Virgil was that you?" I nodded as my mother sat down pushing her blonde hair back behind her ear. _

"_Come on play it again." I shook my head, I really shouldn't I could be disturbing Alan's nap or perhaps dad working. Mom pressed a few keys making a short four note melody and smiled picking up my hand gently and putting it on the keys repeating what she'd done with my fingers. _

"_Come on try doing it on your own." I did as she said the melody coming out perfectly just as my mom had done. She smiled nodding and added a bit on. I followed along mirroring her actions. _

"_Wonderful Virgil!" She said happily clapping a little. "Jeff, Jeff come over here." She hollered and soon dad was standing by me and smiled at us. I repeated the melody and looked up at dad waiting for his sign of approval. He smiled fondly patting me on the shoulder. _

"_Good job son." He said and I smiled I'd only ever heard him say that to Scott, John or little Alan never to me, not often anyway. I felt a warm feeling of pride spread through me and smiled at my mother. We spent the night by the piano her teaching me how to read notes and how to play short songs, by the end of the night everybody had come around and watched proudly especially mom and Scott encouraging me as I went along. _

I looked around at Scott beside me looking at me curiously dad watching from the couch, along with John and Gordon. I smiled at Scott and looked down at the keys letting them glide remembering the notes to 'Ode to Joy"

"I remember" I said and Scott smiled nodding. "I remember bits of before, Dan-where's Danielle?" I asked intensity filling my voice; I had to know where she was how she was.

"Virgil calm down I'm sure she's fine." I looked at Scott and looked for John.

"Virgil, we'll call her later ok?" John asked and I looked at him nodding feeling better. "It's ok we'll make sure she's ok. We will make her feel ok." I looked at John nodding and stood up smiling at the piano at the fact I had my memory but upset about the fact everything was out in the open. I expected somebody to turn on me and say they hated me.

"How do you know what to say?" I asked John and he smiled obviously kind of glad I'd asked.

"I looked it up went to thousands of sites and figured out what's going on inside your head, prepped Scott as well."

"Ya only because you wouldn't shut up with the facts." Scott said half joking _there's always a little truth behind every just kidding. _

I nodded anyway and Scott chuckled looking at me tense obviously he didn't know what to say and for some reason that hurt a lot. "Virgil there's one thing about two voices being in your head the strong intimidating voice that says you'll die and the meek quiet voice that says you're fine. Is it true?" I looked at Scott who shifted uncomfortably and gave John a short nod.

I looked at Scott he just moved uncomfortably before getting up. I looked at John and sighed knowing Scott would rather forget and never bring it up again thinking it would go away on its own. I yearned for the blade of a knife, I was addicted to the pain, the relief it supplied.

John looked at me and I realized I'd been tracing my finger over the scars. "Virgil." I nodded at John and he gave me a half smile. "You ok?" I nodded smiling slightly. "Virgil." John said harder this time.

"It's nothing John I'm fine really." He looked at me still unsure I nodded standing up and went to my room waiting for Christmas to be over. I just wanted to go back to school. I wanted to see Danielle's gorgeous face and her smile even though it masked her pain.

I was sitting in my room debating whether to get up around 1 in the afternoon and heard my cellphone from across the room. For a minute I considered leaving it but got up and flipped it open. "Hello?"

"Virgil! My man, you in for a New Year's party tonight?" Jeff and a New Year's party, I thought of it for a few seconds and figured there was no reason why not.

"Ya sure man I can make it, your place right?"

"Ya, thanks Virgil you can stay until school starts if you like." I nodded and knew it wouldn't be a big deal.

"Ok thanks so much Jeff."

"Ya see ya then bye man." He said and I hung up flopping down onto my bed silently worrying about time repeating itself. I had wanted to say no, but I wanted this, no I needed it and that scared the hell out of me.

I walked out of my room and smiled as I entered the living room. "Hey dad I need a ride, Jeff invited me over to his place." Dad looked at me studying me I guess before nodding.

"Ok sure after dinner." I nodded feeling slightly antsy but I'd already said yes, it was done there was no going back.

"Hey Virgil hey dad how'd it going?"

"Good Scooter but Virgil's heading out tonight." I glared at dad, I know he did that on purpose knowing Scott would say something.

"Oh where are you going?"

"Jeff's." I said before dad could open his mouth again and Scott looked at me outraged.

"No! You're not going there."

"Scott I'll be fine."

"No you're not going! I won't watch you end up in a hospital again Virgil!" I sighed rolling my eyes, why did dad have to say anything?

"Scott I'm going, you can't control my life, we're going to be watching movies and stuff not getting high! How dumb do you think I am?"

"If you plan on going you're very stupid Virgil! I thought you had more brains than this! You know what I don't give a shit, go have fun, get wasted! You want to go through that again, be my guest!" _You could've gotten me help. You could've helped me get over my addiction. _

"I'm going, I'm not going to stay here caged up like a monkey, neither of you can control me!" I yelled before hurling myself off the couch and running to my room slamming and locking the door behind me.

I hated being stuck on this island! I couldn't go anywhere it wasn't like I could just hop onto a bus and suddenly just fly over the ocean to Jeff's house.

"Virgil get your spoiled ass out here we're leaving!" I smiled grabbing the bag I'd packed and rushing out my door pushing in my headphones.

I stepped outside and stood by the door jumping in as Scott unlocked it making an effort to slam the car door. I took out my iPod and put the volume on maximum drowning out Scott's voice as he tore down the driveway and into the air.

We were soon in the middle of town close to Jeff's when I saw a streak of brown hair and I swore I saw Danielle tears running down her face. "stop the car!"

"What?"

"Stop the fucking car!" I yelled at Scott pulling out a headphone. Scott pulled over pressing on the brakes causing me to launch forwards almost hitting my head. I jumped out grabbing my bag holding up a finger indicating "one minute"

I ran forwards to the girl putting a hand on her shoulder spinning her around. "Danielle?" I looked at the girl and it was indeed her, my sweet Danielle black tears running down her face. She saw me and wiped them away with her sleeves leaving her cheeks pink and plastering a smile on her face. "Are you ok?" I asked and she nodded her head the fake smile faltering for a second before she gained control again.

I pulled her into my arms holding her there and whispered in her ear. "I know you are not." I felt the sobs shaking her body and knew what had happened her parents had yelled at her calling her a "bitch" and a "slut"

"Come on you're coming with me." I said tugging her arm gently silently telling her I meant no harm. I noticed she had a bag over her shoulder and frowned slightly she'd been ready to run away but surely she had nowhere to go. Did she? If I hadn't seen her where would she be? Hopefully not in an alleyway with homeless men ready to take advantage of my sweet Danielle. My? No she is not she likes another guy the one from her secret. Not me Mr. Damaged and Broken.

Anxiety Disorder

Too spoiled

Drug overdose

Cutter

15 year old virgin

Nobody could ever like me

I led Danielle to the car and put both our bags in the trunk and held the door to the backseat open for her sliding in beside her. "Scott change of plans we're going home." He nodded trying to hide his smile as he looked back at us and did a U-turn as he sped off down the road.

I turned to Danielle she was still shaking and I couldn't tell if it was from rage, or holding back her tears. I wrapped an arm around her slightly nervous by Scott's presence but she leaned into my touch pressing herself into my side.

I looked at Scott and he seemed to be paying attention to the road while looking back every few minutes. I could see he had no idea what to say or do. Scott really wasn't good with words we all knew that but sometimes I wish he were more talkative.

We got home and I stepped in carrying both my bags and Danielle's she'd offered to carry her bags but before she could ask again I had it and was headed inside. I stepped into the livingroom setting the bags down and John looked at me from the couch.

"Virgil what are you-" He saw Danielle and nodded silently getting up. "How about some hot chocolate?" I nodded smiling and Danielle walked over a smile on her face. I missed her smile but I knew it was fake.

Scott went off probably to find dad and as for Gordon and Alan I didn't know but I was glad they weren't here.

I looked to Danielle and saw the smile on her face faltered turning into a frown "You don't have to fake it here Danny." She looked at me and nodded but I could tell she didn't fully believe it. I put an arm on her wrist and saw her flinch. "Danny? What happened why'd you flinch?"

"Nothing." She said quickly flustered and I took her hand flipping it over pulling up her sleeve and saw angry red marks. "It's nothing, I-I just I uhm…..nothing."

"Your mom?" She looked up and shook her head but the look in her eyes gave it away, it was it had been. "Danny…."

"I'm fine." Her gaze was set her jaw locked, fists clenched and I knew keeping her here safe would take some convincing.

"You're staying here with me, you're not going back, what about your sister?" Danielle looked at me eyes widening.

"Without me she gets hurt. I have to go back!"

"Woah…..nobody is going anywhere." Danielle turned abruptly and pulled her sleeve down.

"I uh…I." She looked back and forth before nodding. "She's at her dad's anyway and he's trying to gain custody."

"If you say something she can go free you can live here there's room." I looked at John smiling and he stepped forwards slowly taking Danielle by the shoulder. "Come on we're going to have some hot chocolate, nobody leaves yet and we discuss you coming here only during summer of course, Christmas we'll see."

"I uhm….I have an aunt s-she'd take me." John nodded and motioned for us to sit at the table. "But I don't want to burden her…..she works a lot…..and I just I feel stuck." She looked at me tears in her eyes and I felt so useless.

"You stay here until you get your bearings you're no bother."

"Ya of course not have you seen my wardrobe I mean really all name brands?" Scott said entering the kitchen and went over leaning against the counter smiling. I looked at my older brother a clear cup in his hand that I didn't quite believe was water.

"Scott, go see dad tell him about your pony collection." I could've sworn Scott's face lit up and he skipped off down the hall.

"He's going through shit don't worry about him." She nodded and looked at John my eldest brother the one who always knew what to do or say.

"Ok so it's decided think about it and talk to Virgil ok hun?" I saw her smile and knew nobody had called her 'hun' "Everything will work out." She nodded keeping her eyes on me her look envious. She wishes she could've grown up here, I knew it.

I felt it building up the anxiety and ached for the feel of a knife and tried to ignore it looking at Danny. Could I love her? Could I?

_Simple naïve teenager_ Damien sneered and I frowned slightly looking at John wishing he'd notice. "Danielle it's getting late why don't you go off to bed there's a futon in Virgil's room, you two can fight over it, Virgil can you help me clean up?" I nodded and Danielle smiled at me before going down the hall.

"Upstairs second on the left." She looked back nodding before heading up.

"Virgil." John looked at me intensity in his eyes. "Come on what's up?" I looked at him biting my lip not wanting to seem weak.

"Anxiety." John nodded and I knew he was unsure of what to do or say.

"Virgil, there's honestly nothing I can do, I know there's no way to reassure you." His first pounded on the table making me jump and I sat up straighter trying to hide it. "Sorry it's just, I feel so helpless Virgil." I nodded looking at the knives and John followed my gaze. "No Virgil! Absolutely not!" I looked down rubbing my wrist and shrugged. Just one cut wouldn't hurt, just one…

"Virgil no!" I looked up at my big brother concern written all over his face.

"Ok." I said not really meaning it and John looked at me nodding before going over and grabbing the knives going to his room.

"Go to bed, go on your computer just Virgil please don't do anything drastic." I nodded remembering the knife in my bathroom bag and smiled to myself going upstairs and into my room.

"Hey Danny, sorry about that it's just…nothing do you need pyjamas?" She shook her head and pointed to her backpack. I nodded and she stood walking over.

"Well I'm here if you want to talk, ok?" I nodded glad she was there but I don't think she could help and she was going through so much already. She probably wouldn`t know what to say I mean there`s nothing to say, most people don`t know the extent of anxiety. They throw around the word like nothing not even knowing what it means and you can`t say anything too ashamed. `

"You can trust me you know I mean I kept my secret all this time, yours would be no different." I nodded half scared she wouldn't understand. "You want me to try guessing?" I nodded and she smiled. "Good I like guessing games. Let's see family drama? Emotional turmoil? Mental disorder? Can't stop thinking? Self-harm? Nightmares? I have no more guesses."

"Third and fifth." Danielle smiled walking over.

"I know you have a knife in here I want it, I'll search this room and take it, as for the mental disorder I can try to help but I know the best thing to do is get counselling talk to somebody. If I do say so myself I can be a good listener." I nodded she hadn't ran away? She'd listened and given a good answer?

I went into the bathroom pulling out the knife, I wanted it but I could quit….right? I gave it to her anyway and she smiled going over to my window opening it and throwing it out into the forest beyond. "We'll beat this together." So many people had said that did she mean it? Did she honestly care for a guy she barely knew?

All night that's how long I was awake, no sleep Danielle fell asleep around two right beside me, just the fact she was leaning against me was enough to keep me from getting up and doing anything. It was nice and made me yearn for something more, but I knew I would never be the guy she spoke of in that post on six billion secrets I'd never be good enough for her.

School started in two days two days of spending every second with Danny, I know I sounded desperate and clingy but I just…well I don't know

I felt an ache as I thought of Derry, had I really loved her?

_It's your fault she died _

I closed my eyes pushing Damien back _SHUT UP!_ I yelled at him pushing him back through the door closing and locking it. I opened my eyes coming back to reality. I sighed and pulled myself up pulling my shoulder away last as I put a hand under Danielle's head the other behind her shoulders lowering her slowly and covering her with a blanket before walking out silently.

"Hey Virgil" I jumped as I closed my door and turned to face Scott. I glared at him best as I could before going into the kitchen. Scott my big brother who never said what was on his mind and would rather ignore things than fix them and I hated him for it. "Virgil?" Scott said grabbing my elbow. I pulled away and turned to face him.

"You know what you can act like nothing is wrong like everything is just perfect. Then maybe when you're done playing in the castle of imagination and come back down to earth maybe we can talk." I said quite calmly if I do say so myself. Scott looked taken a back for a minute before his face turned to plain anger.

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"You always pretending and avoiding things! Pretending I'm fine, like I don't have an anxiety disorder, like I don't cut! Why the hell do you fucking pretend that you don't have a daughter!" His eyes widened and he looked around probably for dad until he pinned me against a wall hands shaking with rage.

"Don't you ever mention that? You hear me? Never!" I shoved him backwards and threw a punch at him connecting with his jaw. Scott looked taken a back for a minute before he scowled and shoved me back pinning me against the wall before kneeing me in the crotch. I flinched and doubled over trying to catch my breath as tears stung my eyes.

"You fucker." I mumbled waiting for the pain to subside so I could kick my older brother's ass.

After a few seconds I got up and went after Scott who at some point had gone in the opposite direction. I went after him and raised my leg kicking him in the back of the knee causing his legs to buckle and collapse from beneath him. He stood quickly and threw a punch at my face which I dodged but it still managed to hit my other cheek just beneath the eye.

Ignoring the pain I kicked him in the stomach causing him to double over.

I smirked standing over him before I heard a small whimper from behind me I turned and saw Danielle eyes wide hands shaking. I felt the fury wash away and walked over slowly pulling her into my arms. "I'm sorry it's ok, you're ok." I glared at Scott as he walked past and gave him the finger.

"We talk about this later." He said as he walked by whispering in my ear. Uh huh sure we will, because we always talk. I thought sarcastically and let go of Danielle.

"I'm sorry."

"No-no I should be fine, it's just….I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault, not even close, come on let's go get breakfast." She nodded and followed me downstairs and into the kitchen. John sat at the table drinking coffee knowingly with Gordon sitting beside him.

"Alan went to grandmas Scott took him, Scott said he'd be back later but-"

"Don't be so sure." I interrupted and John looked at me obviously having heard me and Scott fighting.

`Virgil, get some ice or a steak before you start growing another head." I picked up the toaster and held it up to my face catching my reflection. I winced slightly seeing the huge red swelling mark that would definitely bruise and got up grabbing an ice pack from the freezer and sat back down.

I winced as the cold pack pressed against my cheek and soon the pain turned to pleasure and I relaxed a little. "So how is everyone?" I asked casually, Danielle smiled slightly and John just glared at me. "Ok never mind." I said looking at John.

"Virgil why would you start a fight with Scott?" I rolled my eyes knowing it'd been coming.

"He pisses me off, he avoids things and never says what's on his mind. If he's wondering something he won't speak up, if something's going on he says nothing. You've seen him around me he treats me like a freak!"

"Virgil…" I looked at Danielle and she put a hand on my arm squeezing it. "It's ok…some people just aren't good with words…but he's always there to listen right?" I nodded and shrugged….she did have a point. "Then he's better with listening than comforting everybody has flaws." I nodded and John smiled.

"John I know what you're thinking." And I did he was thinking 'she's definitely a Tracy woman.' Sure I liked her but I don't know maybe as just a friend for now.

"Sorry bro but if you really know what I'm thinking it's true." I glared at John and punched him in the shoulder he smiled and Danielle looked at me confused.

Danielle got up suddenly and smiled getting the dishes and going into the kitchen I watched her disappear and a sad smile crept onto my face. I heard a glass shatter and ran into the kitchen to see a scared Danielle shaking looking down at the glass. She looked up tears glistening in her eyes. "I'm sorry." She sounded so weak, so fragile. I saw a pair of shoes, probably Gordon's and shoved them on going over to Danielle. I pulled her close into my arms and stroked her hair.

"Please don't hurt me." She started shaking and I knew she was crying clinging to me and I felt so helpless.

"I would never hurt you." I replied unsure of what else to do. Standing in my kitchen in my brother's too small shoes, glass all around us hugging a beautiful damaged girl yet I didn't want this moment to ever end. I looked at John and he smiled nodding, telling me I was doing just the right thing and left the room without another word.

Before I knew it we were back at school I wanted to be yet didn't, I was happy to see my friends, anxious about being in the spotlight, terrified of the gossip but most of all nervous about Danielle she'd been through so much already she didn't need to worry about gossip too.

I saw Danielle sitting at our table and smiled going over it seemed she could always make me smile nowadays I just hoped the feeling would last. "Hey Danny-Ellie, hey guys. Danny heading back to your dorm after school?" She shook her head usually I walked her there after school just in case. I felt my heart drop as her head shook but she looked like she was thinking something over.

"I have to walk over to the Shoppers Drug Mart, you want to come?" I nod and she smiled at me.

"Oh ya guys I got a new cell phone." She says and hands her cellphone around. Everybody adds themselves and then in turn adds her. When her phone gets to me I can't help but smile and add her number to my phone and add my number to hers as well.

After school I met Danielle outside the school and smiled at her pulling out my headphones and started walking beside her. "So how was your day Virgil? Feeling ok?" If it weren't for you my day would've been horrible. You make the darkest grays turn to rainbows.

"Pretty good hated P.E though." I say just to make it seem like it wasn't amazing because of her.

She started walking along a brick wall until she was taller than me then smiled at me looking down. "Ha I win." She said proudly. I smiled and jumped up so I was standing in front of her.

"Is that so?" I asked putting my hands on my hips. She nodded stubbornly and I laughed as she poked me and jumped off running off down the sidewalk. I chased after her until I was right behind her and picked her up bridal style. "I think I win." I said smiling at her.

She shook her head struggling to get free before I set her back on her feet smiling.

I got to my dorm after school smiling Jeff wasn't there maybe with the guys but I really hope not. I sighed as I lay down and looked up at the top bunk. I heard a knock on the door and put my head back letting out a groan of frustration. "Come in." The door opened and while I was expecting Fang I saw Erin.

"Hey Virgil." She smiled and came over sitting by my legs. "I know a secret." I rolled my eyes and pointed to the door. "Oh you can't kick me out now. It's about your precious Danielle." I grit my teeth and sat up suddenly paying attention. "Oh now you're paying attention."

"Tell me Erin enough playing around." I said getting aggravated.

"Oh tempter, temper Virgil. Fine I'll tell you. She likes you." I can't believe her can I? But the things she says…she told me to be careful when picking up the glass that day, and to watch myself when talking to Scott. Or earlier our poke wars and chasing after each other.

"Get out." She smiled and leaned down kissing my lips quickly before walking out.

I lay back once more and closed my eyes my smile growing. "Hey man." I looked up seeing Jeff. When did he walk in? I shrugged and sat up. "Why did I just see Erin Desiree coming out of our room?"

"She told me something." I said thinking about it. Jeff looked at me awaiting an answer. "She told me Danielle likes me." He looked at me shifting slightly.

"Ya about that…."

"What it's true?" I said suddenly excited. "Come on Jeff tell me."

"She uh…she has a…" I looked at him and he pulled out his cell phone texting furiously. He stared at it until it buzzed again and looked at me. "I'm so sorry Virgil. She has a boyfriend. She's going out with her ex Gabe." I looked at him my smile wearing off. I lay down turning over in my bed.

"Hey man will you be ok?"

"Ya just leave me alone." He nodded and I heard footsteps before the door closed.

I heard it open again and Jeff stuck his head in. "I'm staying in Fang's dorm today so if you need me…." I nodded facing the wall and heard Jeff leave once again. I felt my phone buzz and pulled it out.

_Danielle_

_Hey how are you? _

I looked at it a tear streaming down my cheek. _It was all fake._ I thought.

_Hey Danny I'm alright, you? _

I starred at my phone and put it down beside me pulling my blankets up around my chin. My phone buzzed again and I held it up.

_Danielle;_

_Do you like me? _

I sighed looking at the text closing my eyes willing myself to go back to a few hours ago.

_Ya I do. _

I put short and simple. I shook my head as she replied almost instantly.

_Danielle;_

_How much on a scale of 1-10? _

Do you like playing with my heart Danielle? I hate you! You have a goddamn boyfriend!

_7 _

I put when really it was more. I wanted to be with her every second, she made me smile no matter what my mood was and I just….I would die without her.

I heard my phone go off again and threw it across the room not wanting anything more to do with it.

**Ok I finally updated I['m so sorry for the wait….things have just been dramatic I can't even begin to describe it….I don't want to anyway I hate complaining about my problems and don't want to burden you guys. So I hope all is well with you guys and you're all ok and haven't given up on me….take care everyone 3**


	14. Chapter 13 Just the Girl

**Ok another chapters note at the end of the chapter but here's the basic one….here's a very angry, depressed/jealous Virgil enjoy….oh ya should I start putting in conversations at the ends of chapters? I think I shall**

Monday I had to get up early for school I didn't want to but I did, Jeff made me. He threatened to get John or Scott. Scott and I hadn't been on the best of terms since our fight during Christmas break, as for John well he had enough to deal with. After all he did have a job and a wife. Not to mention I didn't want to come off as weak or something, not to mention I don't want to admit I still have a problem.

Right now I'm craving the knife under the sink more than ever. Danielle wouldn't care she has Gabe and the guys have probably had enough of me right now.

I sighed but exited the bathroom grabbing my school bag I went out the door and down to P.E.

I avoided Gazzy and doing any work by the end of class coach was pissed off at me and Gazzy was shooting me nervous glances.

I hurried off to History and sat down away in a corner she handed out a worksheet and told us to get to work on page 214.

Right after Math I found Fang outside the door. I tried avoiding him but he grabbed onto my arm and spun me around pushing me against a wall. "You're not avoiding me man. I'm not the one you're running from." I looked at him saying nothing and he sighed. I knew how much he hated talking. "What happened come on Jeff spilled he said he said the wrong thing."

"Fang just leave me alone." I said desperate but at the same time wishing he'd push a bit more.

"Tell me can't be worse than finding out my girlfriend was into drugs and my best friend forgot to mention it." Ya I'd forgotten about that.

"Sorry about that man." I said and I was really sorry, I should've mentioned it.

"Ya I've been helping her through withdrawl but that doesn't matter. What did Jeff say?"

"Danielle she has a boyfriend I got my hopes up." Fang nodded and looked at me studying me.

"You're in love with her?"

"I don't know I want to be with her every second. She makes me smile makes my problems disappear…..but she'll never love me." I said and Fang nodded letting me go.

"Come on we're going to lunch you need to eat Gazzy told me about you struggling in P.E." I nodded it had been hard I'd nearly passed out and had ended up dry heaving when we'd done the circuit. I followed Fang and he nodded as I went into the cafeteria ahead of him.

I sat at our table and saw Danielle I couldn't help but feel overwhelming sadness and happiness course through me at the same time. "Hey Virgil, hey Fang." She said smiling and I smiled back unable to contain it. I felt my phone buzz and pulled it out looking at it.

_Fang; you're totally in love with her. _

I looked at him and he smirked I gave him the finger. He looked shock for a minute before silently laughing. Luckily Danielle was looking at Ella instead of me and Fang.

_You have no idea what you do to me._ I thought at Danielle shaking my head sadly. Fang looked at me and shrugged.

Gazzy and Iggy looked between us and shrugged before Iggy smiled evilly and pulled out axe body spray. Gazzy smiled and pulled out a zippo and Fang, Ella, Danielle and me all shared a scared glance.

"Spray me." Iggy said pulling up his sleeve and holding out his arm. Gazzy sprayed his arm before flicking on the lighter. The blue flame engulfed Iggy's arm and he let out a laugh before shaking his arm putting it out. I looked to Danielle and she looked horrified for a minute I prayed she'd jump into my arms before remembering she had a boyfriend. _Where is the douchebag anyway_? I thought grudgingly.

"Virgil?" I looked up at Fang and he looked down to my hand. I followed his gaze and my eyes nearly flew out of my head. There was blood starting by my fingernail and going all the way down my finger. I closed my eyes shaking my head. Not again! This hasn't happened in years. _Dermatillomania._ I thought and grabbed a napkin putting it around my finger.

"You ok?" Fang asked and I nodded, Danielle was now looking at me curiously.

"Are you ok?" She asked and I nodded then shrugged. I saw Fang give a superiority smirk and I glared at him. "Virgil?" Danielle asked.

"Just anxious." I said she nodded and pulled me into a hug. Letting go all too soon she smiled at me. I pulled the napkin off my finger and stared at the horrible gash wincing. Danielle looked and her face turned sympathetic. "I just can't take my eye off you can I?" She asked smiling.

"Perhaps not." I replied before a tall brunette….redhead….rednette came up to her smiling. Great stupid man-whore moving in on my Danielle! He put an arm around her and kissed her forehead smiling.

Her face lit up as I slid down beside Fang to make room for him. "Everyone this is Gabe my boyfriend." She said introducing him. It took everything in me not to gag and punch the guy but somehow I contained myself.

"Easy Virge." Fang whispered in my ear and I nearly shoved him off the bench. "Come on….Guys see you in class." Fang said before dragging me off.

"You gotta control yourself Virge. You can't just glare at the guy he's going to get suspicious! You've seen him he could destroy you."

I sighed nodding I may be 6' but I'm only 135 pounds. Gabe looked to be about 6'1 and 170 pounds. Cute little Danielle with him? It just didn't seem right. I wish it were me instead of him.

"Come on." I shook my head and took my Ipod from my pocket.

"I'm just going to walk around a bit before class see you in German." Fang nodded and I took out my IPod. I saw a more preppy song came on and sighed before nodding listening to it.

_She's cold and she's cruel_

_But she knows what she's doin'_

_She pushed me in the pool at our last school reunion_

_She laughs at my dreams_

_But I dream about her laughter_

_Strange as it seems_

_She's the one I'm after_

_Cause she's bittersweet_

_She knocks me off of my feet_

_And I can'help myself, I don't want anyone else_

_She's a mystery_

_She's too much for me_

_But I keep comin' back for more_

_She's just the girl I'm lookin' for_

_She can't keep a secret for more than an hour_

_She runs on 100 proof attitude power_

_And the more she ignores me_

_The more I adore her_

_What can I do?_

_I'd do anything for her_

_Cause she's bittersweet_

_She knocks me off of my feet_

_And I can't help myself I dont want anyone else_

_She's a mystery_

_She's too much for me_

_But I keep comin' back for more_

_She's just the girl I'm lookin' for_

_But when she sees it's me_

_On her caller ID_

_She won't pick up the phone_

_She'd rather be alone_

_But I can't give up just yet_

_'Cause every word she's ever said_

_Still ringin' in my head_

_Still ringin' in my head_

_She's cold and she's cruel_

_But she knows what she's doin'_

_Knows just what to say_

_So my whole day is ruined_

_'Cause she's bittersweet_

_She knocks me off of my feet_

_And I can't help myself, I don't want anyone else_

_She's a mystery_

_She's too much for me_

_But I keep comin' back for more_

_'Cause she's bittersweet_

_She knocks me off of my feet_

_And I can't help myself_

_I don't want anyone else_

_She's a mystery_

_She's too much for me_

_But I keep comin' back for more_

_Oh, I keep comin' back for more_

_She's just the girl I'm lookin' for_

_Just the girl I'm lookin' for_

_I'm lookin' for_

_I'm lookin' for_

_I'm lookin' for_

_Just the girl I'm lookin' for_

**I'm sorry it's so short but I'm trying to update for you guys as often as possible it's just hard….I'm really struggling with school and my mom at the moment but I'm surviving. I don't know what I'd do without you guys so review review review… take care everyone have a good weekend.**

**Scott; What are you doing to my little brother?**

**Ashley: Scott have you seen some of the Alan whump fanfictions? Would you rather Virgil or Alan? **

***Scott shifts from foot to foot before Gordon runs in naked.***

**Gordon: SCREW VIRGIL OVER! **

**Scott: well then…..Ashley do you have cookies?**

**Ashley: No I do have a notebook filled with my dramatic thoughts though**

**Scott: Like a diary**

***Ashley screams furiously before poofing up Scott's girlfriend***

**Ashley: WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA TAKE THAT SCOTT **

**Scott: NOOOO! **

**Evil girlfriend: Scott! Where have you been? **

***Evil girlfriend locks Scott in closet. ***

**Sooooo who thinks I should let him out? Trololololol **


	15. Chapter 14 The Silence

**Ok guys I just got struck by a major breakthrough….seems how I only get these when I'm depressed or whatever….weird eh? Anyways here's a chapter I'm sorry it's so late and I'm sorry for not updating….I'm sorry for a lot of things. So uhm to anyone who's on summer break WOOOOOT to anyone who's not and still has exams I know how you feel. So stay tuned there will be an end of the chapter convo. :D**

Two Weeks later

Time travels too quickly now-a-days I wish it would slow down I wish I could go back to December…

Fourteen days since Danielle and I were fooling around on our way to Shoppers. I missed the way things were why hadn't I made my move? Why had I been so stupid?

I want so bad to be worthy of her, to be enough for her. I don't know when but I looked in the mirror maybe Friday of last week and I hated what I saw. I hated the fat that hung off my thighs and my stomach that jelly rolled.

I hate myself how could Danielle ever like somebody as ugly and untalented as me?

I miss her…no I hate her….no I love her. I hate that I love/miss her.

Strangely I ached for my family, to talk to John and Scott. I shook my head they couldn't help….

I took out my cellphone and pressed 5 on my speed dial immediately having john pick up. "Hey Virge something wrong?"

"Can we meet up somewhere?" I asked hoping he'd say no but hoping he'd say yes.

"Ya of course I'll be there in half an hour." I hung up and looked around my room for something to wear. I hadn't gotten up in nearly twenty four hours. When I had it'd been to go to the bathroom.

I grabbed a pair of jeans and a blue short sleeved shirt that said "free hugs" and a black sweatshirt before getting changed and running a brush through my hair.

By the time I was ready John was at the door and I went out quickly meeting him.

I got into the car and smiled at John as best as I could. "What's wrong Virge?" He asked as he pulled out of the parking lot and onto the road.

I wanted so badly to say "nothing" but I knew this was John he wouldn't allow that.

"Just a girl." I said and he looked at me nearly driving into the car in front of us.

"A girl? Thank god!" I looked at John and he looked away quickly.

"Oh ya thank God it's a girl. Just a girl not like she can break Virgil's heart or anything." I replied sarcastically.

"Oh Virgil you know I didn't mean it like that….I just I'm sorry I said the wrong thing. Virgil if this girl hurts you this much she's not worth it. You're a smart kid I know dad never had many relationships and you don't remember mom well so you've never gotten an idea of what a functional relationship is like but…. Virgil I'm sorry." I nodded as if I'm sorry can fix everything it can't.

"John….have you ever loved somebody so much all you want is to be with them and you feel like you won't be happy unless you have them. I just…..I thought she loved me too." Great here I am nearly crying about a girl! A girl! Who would ever think? Virgil Grisson Tracy crying over a girl!

This was supposed to be my year I was going to get good grades, maybe get a girlfriend, and do well.

Not be a cutter, have a drug addiction and over dose, not get heartbroken or have anxiety attacks every night.

This has been a crappy year but….I wouldn't change a thing.

"Virge have you ever heard the saying 'somebody who makes you cry is never worthy of your tears but the person who's worthy of your tears will never make you cry'?" I shook my head then nodded but what if in the end she would be worth my tears? What if in the end all this pain would lead to joy?

"Well Virge if you're anywhere near as stubborn as me you're probably thinking she's worth it and that's your choice. Just be careful who you give your heart to Virgil. And Virge thanks for opening up to me." John added before he stopped the car and opened his door.

I got out and starting walking beside him as he led the way to a Dairy Queen. It's kind of an inside joke with our family whenever one of us was acting out and needed to talk John or Scott took us here. I liked those days it was nice having that time.

What if I never get over Danielle? What if I'm constantly stuck in this place, where I hurt all the time? I wish I could snap my fingers and be over her.

But at the same time this is the happiest I've been in a while. I just wanted to escape this feeling, even now I felt like if I didn't see her within the next few minutes I'd die.

I feel empty I feel like nothing is worth it like nobody else matters but her.

It feels like nothing else matters. I feel like I need to get over her….and for the first time since last year I feel the need to kill myself.

It scares me I don't want to die….i just want to be through with this heartache I just want the touch of the knife. I want to feel the cold stainless steel brush over my skin.

"Virgil?" I looked up and John smiled. "What do you want?"

"Medium brownie batter blizzard please." The woman behind the counter smiled and took John's credit card as the lady passed John his Chocolate Peanut Sundae and me my blizzard.

John put a hand on my shoulder and directed me to a booth right beside a window.

"Come on Virgil I can feel it your mood suddenly dropped." I shrugged shoving a spoonful of my blizzard into my mouth. It was cold and while I chewed the brownie pieces I felt like a robot. I didn't taste didn't feel anything, and it scared the hell out of me.

**Ok so there's the chapter….little cliffy at the end sorry. **

**Virgil: Sorry? SORRY! Jeez you make me emotionless and all you say is sorry!**

**John: Calm down Virge…can't you see Ashley already isn't happy don't piss her off too. **

**Virgil: Well she just completely screwed me over!**

**Ashley: John just let him yell at me**

***John Feels Ashley's head* **

**John: You don't feel warm…..are you going insane?**

***Ashley gets up and locks Virgil and John in a closet***

**Ashley: That should shut them up….for a while**

***Distant mumbling in closet followed by pounding and screaming***

**Ashley: Until next time…also check out The Silence by Mayday Parade it totally fits this chapter. **


	16. Chapter 15 Anywhere but Here

**Here's the chapter you've all been waiting for….well not really…well enjoy. **

I skipped all my classes I stayed in bed grasping my blade holding it to my wrist cutting over and over until my arm was covered by red. I wanted this all to end, I wanted to be dead. I was sick of this life. Sick of being alone. Sick of Danielle, sick of Gabriel.

"He's in here." I heard Jeff say and jumped as my heart sped up and my hands started shaking more violently.

"Virgil?" I heard as the door opened and I was surprised to hear Scott's voice. "Thanks Jeff, can you leave?" I guess Jeff nodded because a second later I heard the door click closed.

I felt the mattress sink as Scott sat down and suddenly every muscle in my body was tense. He put a hand on my shoulder and suddenly I jumped and started shaking harder and more furiously I'm pretty sure I couldn't stand even if I tried.

"Virgil? Please roll over I want to help." I shook my head or tried to if he rolled me over he'd see my wrists both with fresh and dried blood. I could smell it and it reeked so how he didn't smell it, I have no clue.

"Virgil please." He begged and the grip on my shoulder became more intense. With one quick movement he flipped me over and I lay stunned for a moment before trying to grasp the blanket over me completely. One slight problem Scott was faster and stronger.

"Oh dear god Virgil." I peeked through my eyelids and saw a tear fall silently down his cheek. He grasped my arms as more tears fell and I couldn't do anything I felt too weak.

"Virgil open your eyes…Virgil please…" He said his voice cracking multiple times. I couldn't move not really I felt too weak. I opened and closed my eyes hoping that'd be enough, I just wanted him to stop crying. I wanted to make everything better.

"Oh god…Virgil what have you done?" He asked looking into my eyes. He whipped out a cell phone and I heard it beep three times before he pressed it to his ear.

"Hello? I need an ambulance to Mercersburg Academy. Stat." He sounded so desperate so broken….I'd done that, I'd ruined everything and right now I wish I could die.

"We're going to help you Virgil. I won't let you die. Don't you dare leave me." He begged grasping my hand in a death grip.

I heard the door barge open and felt myself being lifted and carried out leaving me feeling dizzy and awkward. I felt myself spinning and my head felt foggy like I was falling. I couldn't keep hold of reality I felt myself falling farther and farther with nothing keeping my feet on the ground.

Not even gravity could save me now.

Back in the hospital with the too white rooms and the stupid sanitary smell. I hated it here and I just wanted to go back to sleep, permanently. I looked at the wall and let all my emotions free in my tears. I could nearly imagine it little monsters inside my heart wanting to break free.

Soon I was sobbing and it reminded me of an anxiety attack, I couldn't take it I wanted to end it all. Suddenly I felt arms around me holding me together but still the tears fell burning as if they were tiny flames running down my cheeks. "Shh it's ok Virgil, you're ok." _I don't want to be ok! I want to be dead! _I thought.

"Virgil come on talk to me." I heard Scott's soothing voice and he lifted me gently turning me over. I looked at him then down noticing bandages all around my wrists and winced.

"Oh god Virgil you scared me. I'm so glad you're ok." He said and for the second time I saw tears run down his cheeks. I'd never seen my big brother cry before he'd always been so strong.

"Excuse me Mr. Tracy you have a visitor. She says her name is Danielle." Scott looked at me and I doubted myself could I really handle seeing her?

"Bring her in." I said slightly unsteady as I wiped the tears from my cheeks. The nurse nodded before exiting and Scott looked at me nodding.

"Do you want me to stay?" He asked concerned.

"Nah, go find Violet." He got up and went to the door before turning around and flashing a slight smile.

"Call me if you need me." I nodded and he left leaving me alone.

A few moments later Danielle entered smiling but a bit unsteady obviously she remembered the last time we were in a hospital together. "How are you?" She asked coming closer to the bed and slowly sitting down as if I were a wild animal that could go off any moment.

"Fine." I said knowing exactly what it stands for.

Freaked out

Insecure

Neurotic

Emotional

FINE

"We both know what fine stands for Virgil. Why didn't you say anything? How could you be so selfish?" she asked as her normally green-grey eyes turned dark evergreen eyes with flecks of gold. "I can't lose you Virgil." She tried smiling but a tear escaped and started it's way down her cheek.

I put a hand up catching it with my thumb and wiping it away. Danielle pulled me into a hug and for the first time in days I felt something; Guilt.

She pulled away and looked at me shaking her head. "I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault." I said I'd done this I'd been selfish, she'd done nothing wrong.

"Please never do that to me again." The thing I felt worse about was…I wanted to do it again and next time I'd succeed in killing myself.

"Virgil I care about you I don't want to lose you." I nodded and smiled at her best as I could. "Get some rest I'll text you." I nodded as she left and lay back on my side. I wish I could feel some emotion again.

"Hey Virge." I looked up and was surprised to see dad smiling standing in the doorway. "How are you?"

I shrugged too stunned to do anything else. This was the guy who I'd last seen when he'd gotten into a fight with Scott. Even then I hadn't really been there.

He hadn't visited since, not to see how I was or ask if I was ok. Honestly I didn't resent him, Gabriel could've walked in and I would've hugged the guy if he'd asked for it. That's how emotionless I am.

"I'm fine." I answered and I swear if my voice sounded as empty as I thought I doubted he believed me.

"Virgil please we can get you some help."

"I don't want any help." I replied and he stepped forward towards me.

"I don't want to lose you Virgil." Why does everybody say that? I don't care what this asshole thinks! He walked out on us! He walked out on ME!

"Cool." I said and I could tell I was pissing him off. He sighed and walked out obviously fed up.

I sighed finally alone and looked around before grabbing my IPod and headphones from the desk.

_Tonight is the one thing left_

_And I haven't said it yet_

_I'm falling and the writing's on the wall_

_Today was misery_

_And I just can't believe this happened_

_And I finally broke down_

_(I finally broke down)_

_She held on to my heart_

_But now my only star is falling_

_And it's burning to the ground_

_Now I'm crying out_

_Secret love, my escape_

_Take me far, far away_

_Secret love, are you there?_

_Will you answer my prayer?_

_Please take me anywhere but here_

_Anywhere but here_

_You're all I've got right now_

_No one else figures out this feeling_

_And how lonely it can get_

_(How lonely it can get)_

_These words can cut right through_

_'Cause all along I knew you're sorry_

_But you haven't said it yet_

_But I won't forget_

_Secret love, my escape_

_Take me far, far away_

_Secret love, are you there?_

_Will you answer my prayer?_

_Please take me anywhere but here_

_When we're together_

_.com/anywhere_but_here_lyrics_mayday__

_Thoughts of her disappear_

_If I fell to pieces_

_You'll heal this pain I feel_

_Secret love, my escape_

_Take me far, far away_

_Secret love, are you there?_

_Will you answer my prayer?_

_Secret love, my escape_

_Take me far, far away_

_Secret love, are you there?_

_Will you answer my prayer?_

_Please take me anywhere but here_

_Anywhere but here_

**Ok there's my chapter….I think Virgil is out of the closet (lol) and has something to say. **

**Virgil: YOU NEARLY KILLED ME!**

**Ashley: Key word..NEARLY.**

**Virgil: You're such a stupid BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP**

**Scott: Virgil language!**

**Virgil: Grrrr. Bite me. **

***John walks in***

**John: Hi Ash how are you?**

**Ashley: I'm fine thanks John…See guys at least somebody cares about me**

**Virgil: You were contemplating killing me!**

**Scott: Why is this the first I'm hearing of this?**

**Ashley: Uhm…you've been busy with Violet**

**John: Wait I never knew my brother was doing Virgil's nurse….something isn't right here**

**Ashley: Well I'll let these two fight it out….Until next time review and enjoy :) **


	17. Chapter 16 Talk

**Another chapter….I wove you guys 3 sorry for the lack of updates It takes a lot of motivation to upload this stuff Xd jk jk I'm just lazy :P anyway enjoy :D **

I don't want to be saved I want to escape.

That's what I decided after a month in the hospital being in and out of counselling sessions. I hated the counsellors all they did was try and put me on meds and tell me it was up to me to be happy again.

They say it like it was my choice to feel emotionless. Ever since I've gotten here all I've wanted to do is cut again. It felt so good having the blade against my skin, feeling the pain, seeing the blood.

Here the closest I could get to that was if I punched a wall and happen to break open the skin on my knuckles.

Scott and John are pretty concerned they've been in nearly every day since I was admitted. I'm sick of it! I want my life back.

"Hey Virge are you going to speak to me today?" Dr. Dick asked. Yes his name is legitimately Dr. Dick. D-I-C-K.

See now that we've been distracted by his name, what he meant from Hey Virge are you going to speak today? Was I kind of stopped speaking to anyone since I'd been admitted. Dad hadn't been back, Scott and John were here frequently but often Scott would get frustrated and end up screaming at me.

Then there was Danielle who'd guessed what had happened her second day here. She'd walked in so calmly and sat on the edge of my bed taken my hand and looked into my eyes and whispered. "Depression?" I'd nodded and she'd spoken to me.

She didn't expect me to speak she'd just told me about last year she'd been depressed and wanted to kill herself but her little sister helped her through.

That was the first time I felt anything since I was admitted I got knots in my stomach thinking of how much this girl has been through.

"Ok Virgil you need to speak." I shrugged rolling my eyes and the doctor moved forward so he was glaring at me. "You think this is funny worrying your family, your friends?" I shrugged I didn't really care about them and they didn't care about me. If they cared they would've gotten me out of here by now.

Hell Jeff hadn't even been here, Fang had but between one guy who rarely speaks and the other who refuses to speak we didn't get much farther than sitting in silence, broken only by the small vibrating noises from Fang's cellphone.

"Ok Virgil I've had to seek information from your brothers since I'm so obviously not getting anything from you. John said that you had anxiety attacks is this true?" I nodded, great just a stupid shrink who can find out whatever he wants from my brothers.

"Virgil I can find out whatever I want about you from your family and friends, but I want to hear all this from you. I want you to tell me. Virgil I know to you I'm just another shrink holding you back from going home. So this may shock you Virgil, Nobody is holding you back from going home but you."

No he's a liar! He's holding me back! Not me!

"I think we're done for today Virgil. Go back to your room we'll speak more tomorrow." I glared at him my fury building.

"NO! I won't leave! How could you! I'm not holding myself back! You are and everybody else who has ever called me crazy!"

Dr. Dick smiled to himself before folding his hands together in his lap. "Now we're getting somewhere. Sit down Virgil."

I felt my breathing increase and shook my head my lip trembling. I just wanted to shit kick this guy in the face and storm out but I knew that wouldn't be possible.

"Please…I just want to go home." I saw sympathy in Dr. Dick's eyes for a moment before he put up a barrier and nodded.

"I'm afraid that's not possible Virgil. Not yet. Believe it or not I'm rooting for you. I want you to go home, but I can't let you out the front doors of the hospital before I'm convinced you won't attempt something as selfish as suicide again."

Selfish? How dare he call me selfish? He could let me go anytime I am FINE.

"You're wrong."

"Excuse me?"

"You're wrong!" I screamed. "You could easily send me out that door! You're just like everybody else you don't give a damn about me!"

Dr. Dick nodded his expression unchanging. "Virgil go to your room think about what I've said. Have a revelation or two then come back when you're ready."

I nodded tears trying to force their way out of my eyes but exited anyway. Nobody was going to see me cry especially not this guy.

I slammed the glass door behind me a part of me hoping it'd shatter and stormed off down the hall to my room.

I got in and immediately heard my phone go off. I sighed and opened my phone going into messages.

Danielle; How are you?

I wanted to answer but I felt nothing but dread seeing her name. I didn't feel happy like I once had, I felt ashamed and heartbroken.

I closed my messages and sat down on my bed letting the tears fall. I hate this place! I hate feeling nothing! I hate my life!

I put my head in my hands trying to even out my breathing but only made it worse.

I suddenly felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up seeing Violet. She looked the same as last time I saw her except now she had purple streaks in her hair.

"Hi Virgil." I sniffled trying to smile but it turned into a grimace.

She smiled sadness filling her eyes as she pulled me into a hug. I couldn't give in I let the tears fall freely. "I just hate my life right now." I sobbed and she only ran her hand up and down my back.

"It's ok Virgil, you're a survivor you've made it this far, you can survive the rest." I nodded and suddenly I realized Dr. Dickface was right. All this is my fault, I'm the one that got me here and I'm the one who'll have to get me out of here.

Now normally this is where the protagonist turns his life around, gets the girl and they live happily ever after.

Wouldn't that be nice?

Usually when people have revelations they work at getting better.

Me?

I don't have that kind of positive attitude so my goal is to fake it. Fake being happy so I can get out of here.

Pretend I don't think of suicide and death every second.

Once I'm back at school it'll all be worth it and I can go back to cutting myself so nobody will know.

Or I can kill myself and be successful this time.

I like my second plan. Easy and simple.

Death feels like my only option, my only way to be happy.

I only wish I had the guts to do it.

"You're strong Virgil you can do this." I heard Violet say and nodded pulling away and wiping my eyes.

"You are so much stronger than you think." I shrugged looking down. Do strong people think about suicide 24/7? Do strong people want to hurt the people they love that much? I'm not strong I am pathetic.

"Thanks Violet." She nodded smiling and hugged me one last time before standing up.

"I'd better go but if you need me Virgil just call. I'd love to talk." I smiled as she left and my smile quickly slid off.

Great another person I'll hurt when I finally get the weapons I need to kill myself.

Maybe I should find a Samurai sword then I can chop off my whole arm and bleed out. There would be no way to save me from that.

I sighed getting up and decided to go back to Dr. Dick-face might as well get it over with.

I sighed and went out into the hallway and continued down until I got to 's office. I took a breath in before knocking hoping he wasn't there. "Come in." I heard and turned the doorknob slowly and crept into the room.

"Virgil. What a surprise." I nodded as Dr. Dick took off his glasses and set them on the table beside him.

"Come in sit down." I nodded and sat down across from him not willing to say the first word.

"So you had a revelation I take it?" I nodded again causing him to sigh.

"Well Virgil tell me about it or I can guess." I shrugged and he smiled folding his hands together. "You figured out it's your fault. You also discovered you can get out of here if you fake it." I let my jaw drop before regaining composure and masking my emotions.

"Judging from your reaction, I'm right." I shrugged then nodding guessing that this bluffing thing wouldn't get me anywhere.

"There is a reason I'm in this hospital and not out there in the world. I am here because I know when people like you are lying. I`m in your head."

"Nothing says creeper like that last sentence." I said and he actually laughed. I got this totally serious guy to laugh!

"Virgil can't you see I want to help you?" I shrugged and he smiled. "So why exactly are you depressed why did you cut and attempt suicide?"

I looked at him and wondered if I could trust him with what information nobody knew. "Before it was the anxiety attacks I wanted to feel like I was somehow attached to the earth. A few weeks ago it was because I let my world revolve around this one girl and when I gave up on her my world came crashing down."

Dr. Dick nodded taking in this information. "Virgil you need to find a way to express yourself other than cutting. Writing or drawing is a successful way of getting out your emotions without hurting yourself."

"I like to paint…." I said and he nodded a ghost of a smile appearing on his lips.

"That's a start. How about tomorrow we go out and buy you painting supplies. I want to be the one with you so that no foolish mistakes are made." I nodded he probably meant in case it were John or Scott and they bought toxic paint or pointy paintbrushes or a canvas I could cut myself on.

And the fact I'm thinking of this kind of supports his theory. "Ok when?" I asked and he smiled.

"How's tomorrow?" I nodded it sounded good, I was sick of this stupid hospital.

"Virgil I'm proud of you, you've made remarkable progress today." I shrugged and Dr. Dick smiled.

"Go get some rest I'll get a nurse or one of your brothers to get you up around eleven.

"Thanks Doc." He smiled as I got up and exited the room.

This may be where you're thinking I'm going to turn my life around and feel something again but you're kinda dead wrong. I still want to die, I don't want to live and see Danielle at school every day. I want to get out of here and maybe not kill myself but definitely go find a nice cave or something and live there for a while. Or at least until I'm over Danielle and seeing her face won't hurt. I can't let her know she caused this she'd never forgive herself.

**Virgil: Great I had a nervous breakdown….what next a cantaloupe?**

***Gordon walks in talking to a cantaloupe***

**Gordon: Yes Mr. Cantaloupe I love you too…Marry me? **

***Ashley and Virgil look at each other before bursting into laughter* **

**Scott: What the beep? Who took my crazy pills?**

**Virgil: Oops I'd better run….**

***Virgil starts running and locks himself into closet.**

**Scott: Where is he? **

***Crickets chirp* **


	18. Chapter 17 Say All I Need

**Hey sorry for the off fanfiction schedule…I don't have a set schedule anymore….I don't really want one more surprise that way. So ya sorry that's the way it is. **

"Hey Virgil." I looked up seeing Scott and smiled as he came and sat on the bed. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm alright, how are you?" Scott looked at me shocked before smiling and standing up. He picked me up and spun me around a few times laughing before he set me back down on the bed.

"I'm awesome; my little brother just spoke to me." I smiled….how much would I hurt him if I died? "Virgil what's wrong?" He asked and I looked up at him through my bangs before shrugging. "Please Virgil?" He asked and I shrugged really wanting to tell him. "Is it Danielle?"

"Ya…I couldn't take seeing her in the halls with her boyfriend anymore….I tried getting over her but….I let her become my world and when I let go of her everything came crashing down." I said it quietly but Scott just looked at me shocked before pulling me into a hug.

"I'm so sorry." Scott said and I had no idea what he could be sorry for. "I brought somebody who wants to talk to you." I looked up at the door to see Ella; Iggy's girlfriend. "I'll leave you two alone." Scott said before exiting the room.

"Hey Virgil. Fang told me about what you did." She said smiling and looked at my wrists. "I'm not sure if Iggy told you…but I was in your position once…my parents were really concerned. I was selfish I tried killing myself to escape the pain when I would've just passed the pain onto my family. I met Iggy just in time…He's everything I've ever wanted in a guy, y'know? I know what you're going through Virgil…please don't do it again do you realize how torn apart our group is? We all want you back so badly. Jeff has barely come out of your room except for classes. Virgil we wouldn't be the group we are without you. I don't know what Danielle doesn't see. She's missing out big time….I just wish you weren't going through so much pain…"

I nodded and Ella sat down beside me and leant down kissing me on the cheek and pulled me into a hug. I wanted so badly to cry in front of her but something inside me wouldn't let me. "Thanks Ella."

"I'm always here for you Virgil….Text Iggy he has my number. Whenever you need me I can be here." I smiled and she kissed my cheek once more time before walking out. I smiled as Scott walked in again.

"Hey Virge…sorry I just went to your dorm to grab you some clothes and I saw Ella and she said she might be able to help. I'm desperate here Virgil." I nodded before getting up and hugged him.

"I love you Scott." He stood shocked for a moment before he wrapped his arms around me.

"I love you too Virgil. Don't you ever try and leave us again." He squeezed tighter and I smiled pulling away from Scott and saw tears in his eyes. "We were so close to losing you….your heart stopped in that ambulance they had to try three times to bring you back. Something in you wants to survive Virgil." I nodded and he kissed my head.

"I'm so sorry Scott."

"I'm just glad you're still here Virgil." I smiled feeling guilty for still wanting to kill myself to end my life but there was no way could tell Scott that. "John said he wanted to visit…Jessica as well." He paused looking around and finally settled on a calendar. "Also your spring break starts in about two weeks so we'll all be together then." A feeling of dread settled in my stomach and I looked down.

"Do Gordon and Alan know?" I asked and Scott looked at me frowning.

"Gordon yes, Alan no, I want to keep it from Alan until he's a bit older." I nodded and suddenly a thought occurred to me.

"What's going on with Rae?" Scott smiled at the thought of his little girl.

"I'm trying to get full custody and me and Violet are going strong." I smiled glad he'd have a chance to have his little girl after all Tina is a crazy bitch.

"Speaking of which I'd better go. John said he'd drop by later." I nodded and he smiled before leaving.

I sat by myself in the room thinking of what Ella had said. She was right, and Iggy did have quite a catch if he ever cheated on her I'd kill him.

Despite everything though I wanted to talk to Danielle I wanted to fall into her arms sobbing and tell her everything. I missed her she didn't put me here I did. I caused this reaction, I caused my depression.

Damn if only she were mine….

A feeling of dread washed over me and suddenly my happy mood was gone. I sighed wishing I had a knife and decided to settle for sleep instead. Sleep my only escape.

"Virgil wake up. Come on, up and at 'em" I groaned and sat up looking to see John. "There you go. It's ten you should be ready for eleven. I nodded and John got up going out the door but stopped in his tracks.

"Fang is here to see you." I smiled and Fang came in looking all dark as usual. John stood in the doorway for a minute before going out into the hallway and closing the door.

"Hey man."

"Talking again I see." I nodded and Fang nodded.

"I'm sorry fang." Fang nodded and sat on my bed.

"I wanted to tell you something." I nodded and he sighed pulling up his sleeve. I was horrified by all the white scars that covered his wrist. The scars that read

Idiot

Bisexual

Alone.

I winced and stared in horror teas rushing to my eyes. How did I never notice? Why did he never mention he was bi? "Horrible isn't it? It's what your arm will look like."

I looked down at my own wrists bandages off the red cuts opened by my picking. "I know what you're going through man. Call me ok? If you ever feel the urge to cut and trust me it will show up." I nodded and Fang looked at me before pulling me into a hug.

"I love you man, I don't want to lose you."

"I love you too Fang." The words surprised me and I realized I meant them. We were brothers.

"Take care, call me." Fang said and smiled slightly before walking out of the room.

I sighed and got dressed in jeans and a black long sleeved shirt with silver designs on it as well as my favoured Fedora. I heard a knock on my door and opened it surprised to see Dr. Dick.

"Good morning Virgil. Ready to go?" I nodded and he smiled as I started walking by his side down the hallway. "I heard you friend Nick visited you." He said casually and I nodded.

"Ya I found out a lot I didn't know about him."

"Like?" The doctor asked and I looked at him wondering if I should trust him with my friend's secrets.

"He said he knows what I've been through and he's always free to talk." I said not giving anything away.

"Well I'd like to continue seeing you weekly Virgil, once you're out of the hospital. I want to make sure you're doing ok. Virgil your friend's are caring but they won't always have the authority I do. They can't help you with your problems they can only listen and hope you ask for help. Virgil if you don't ask for help it just shows you have no respect for yourself." He said as he walked out the front doors.

I shook my head slightly outraged. "Of course I have respect for myself!"

"Then why don't you have the confidence to show your arms?" He asked and I looked down asking myself the same question….I shouldn't be ashamed my scars only show I've been through too much.

I shrugged and he nodded. "Virgil you're strong and incredibly talented you just need to realize your potential. Find happiness in things other than a girl. You have to find happiness on your own." I nodded knowing he had a point. I was thinking of Danielle less and less and realizing her flaws. She'd visited me once and texted me once.

She cared she just wasn't the kind of person who could help me she could only bring me down.

"I understand that now Doc….thanks." He nodded and we walked along the road and he led me into the paint store.

I walked up to the sketch books and picked up a large book with a black cover with the word Freedom written in silver on the front. "I think that one is a wonderful choice." Dr. Dick said and put it into his basket.

Within the next half hour I picked up about twenty different colors of pain, a metal easel that folded into a small cardboard box and a book with about fifty pages of blank paper for the easel.

We checked out and the Doc paid with what I guessed to be my brother's money.

As we arrived back at the hospital I was surprised to see I had a visitor.

Fang

"Hey I just…I wanted to visit again."

"Hi man." I said and a ghost of a smile appeared on Fang's face.

He pulled me into a hug and refused to let go. "I know we were never the kind of friends who hugged and stuff but Virgil I really do care about you. I just….Max isn't enough to keep me in the world Virgil but you and me we've always been friends. I don't know what I'd do without you."

He paused and seemed to catch his breath and all I could do to offer him some comfort was to hold on to him. "I was in love with you Virgil and I got over you. I got depressed and wondered if you or anybody would care if I died. I wanted to kill myself to make you feel something for me…..Virgil I know what you're going through."

I remembered what he was talking about it everybody had said there was something in the way he looked at me. I felt like a monster right now I didn't feel anything no guilt or anything. Have I really shut myself away from the world that much? Am I really this much of a monster?

He pulled away and smiled. "I'm not going anywhere." I said and something in his eyes sparkled.

"Thanks man. Text me." I nodded and he actually smiled with teeth before leaving.

I sighed and lay back it was only about two in the afternoon but here I lay exhausted. Suddenly I heard my cell go off and reached for it on the bedside table.

_Danielle: Virgil I need a friend…..Gabe just broke up with me. _

I couldn't help but smile as I held my phone.

_Virgil: Are you ok? _

I asked and put my phone down sighing. I wanted to help her it's just it doesn't seem worth it. At the same time it was worth it what if she chose to be with me?

_No! After all this I can't do that again. I can't crawl back to her feet and beg her to be with me_. I felt my phone vibrate once more and almost smiled seeing her name.

**Yes that is it for this chapter! So who's mad at me? **

**Virgil: I am!**

**Ashley: No surprises there…**

**Scott: Wait….after all that you'd really want to go back to her?**

**Virgil: Love does weird things to the brain**

***Virgil shrugs***

**Ashley: I'd drink to that**

**Scott: No Alcohol**

***Gordon walks in with an ostrich.***

**Gordon: So that's how I got the name Virgil….hey guys meet George. **

***Ashley, Scott and Virgil exchange nervous glances***

**Scott: Gordon….I'm going to say this as nicely as possible. WHY AN OSTRICH? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? **

**Gordon: No….I just wanted a friend all of you are too busy with Virgil!**

**Ashley: Ok let's save this drama for the fanfiction**

***Ashley locks everyone but Virgil in a closet.***

**Scott: Gordon….did you just fart?**

**Gordon: I think that was the ostrich….**


	19. Chapter 18 Fall For You

**Yes this chapter is short but considering the cliffhanger I left you with I decided to be nice and give you another chapter….I just need a name for it…but putting my ipod on shuffle should help hopefully. So here goes right from where we left off in the last chapter. **

_Danielle: Not really. Can I come visit you? _She asked almost ten minutes later

Great now she wants to talk to me. I know the answers my brothers may give but I don't care what they think right now.

_Virgil: Ya come on over, I'm not going anywhere. _

I sat on my bed contemplating what to do with myself and looked at all my conversations with Danielle.

_Danielle: I do care about you_

_Danielle: I'm sorry._

I remember saying for what? And smiled at the memory.

_Danielle: For hurting you. _

_Danielle: Are you ok? _

_Danielle: I'm always here if you want to talk._

I couldn't help but smile as I read all the messages, all the small memories.

But now is the time to let go, not the time to cling to her.

Hesitantly I pressed _delete all._

I put my phone on my bedside table unable to look at it. I smiled despite myself and watched the tiny hourglass go around and around slowly.

"Hey Virge." I heard from the doorway and looked up seeing Danielle.

"Hi how are you?" I asked just trying to start a conversation she shrugged and came over standing in front of me. I opened my arms and she fell into them.

She didn't cry, I don't know if she ever cries. She's strong, maybe too strong for her own good.

I don't know how long I held onto her but I know when I let go and looked at her, sure I felt the presence of a dead love but I also felt absolutely nothing.

She sat beside me and I wrapped my arm around her shoulders. "Come on I want you to meet somebody." I said and got up, she shrugged and followed along beside me. Luckily not behind me stupid hospital gowns show off my boxers. Could be worse I guess, I could have no boxers.

(ya you fan girls would enjoy that ;)

I let her to Dr. Dicks' office and knocked. "Come in!" Came my reply and I led Danielle in.

"Hey Doc, this is Danielle." I smiled as he nearly fell over in his chair…Maybe there is a bit of Gordon in me, it is fun to scare people.

"Danielle? Nice to meet you. Virgil what can I assist you with?" He asked and I sat down motioning for Danielle to sit beside me.

"Go ahead, he's actually not all that bad. Y'know except his name is Doctor Dick." That seemed to get Danielle to smile.

"So are we going to sit in silence or talk about our feelings?" I looked to Doc and he just shrugged.

"Feelings?" Danielle asked sceptically. I made a hand motion for her to talk and she sighed shrugging. "My boyfriend just broke up with me if that's what you mean."

"Ok tell me about this guy." Dr. Dick said without emotion.

"Um….well Gabe is spectacular he's smart and talented. He can always make me smile…but we have problems…we've broken up and gotten back together four times now. I just love him too much I can't let go." I winced and Dr. Dick looked at me reassuringly before turning his attention back to Danielle.

"I sense more here but I won't push. Danielle…I think you have a fear of being alone and letting go. You feel this guy is the only thing constant in your life. You need to find respect for yourself you're just letting yourself be forgotten over and over."

"What are you a fortune cookie?" Danielle asked defending herself.

"Danielle please." She looked at me and suddenly softened.

"Ok Virgil…..look my life has never been easy I've been put through shit by my parents and constantly fear I'll turn out like my father. I push my friends away. Hell I pushed Virgil away and there's no way I can ever make it up to him. I've ripped his heart out as Gabriel has done many times to mine. I wish I could love him but I don't I love Gabriel and I want to let go, but every time he looks at me with those big hazel eyes I can't….."

"Danielle I say this honestly you're a remarkable young girl but you need to depend on your friends more. Tell them your fears, and don't be afraid to ask for help. Don't go back to this boy obviously he only wants to hurt you….think about what I've said my door is always open." Danielle nodded and we went out of there. I closed my eyes waiting for her to explode but I heard a small sniffling sound before opening my eyes once more.

She wiped her eyes quickly before I opened my arms and she went into them.

"I promise I won't go back to him Virgil." I nodded still wishing she'd choose me instead of him.

She pulled away and smiled. "Thanks but I'd better go. Text me." She said before running off. I went back to my room and lay down feeling more empty than I had in weeks and I thought I was getting better…..

**Ashley: So there you go.**

**Virgil: WHAT? That's it?**

**Ashley: Now, now Virgil. Now is not the time to be a drama king.**

**Virgil: Ya right. You make me go right back to square one and you call me a drama king? Put yourself in my shoes and see how it feels!**

**Ashley: Scott. Help me**

***Scott comes in whistling some show tune***

**Scott: Virgil cut the girl some slack show some manners.**

**Virgil: Manners? Manners I'll show you manners!**

***John walks in a snake around his neck***

**John: Scott? **

**Scott: Just a second Johnny. You listen here Virgil, you treat all girls with respect!**

**Virgil: Even if they potentially screw me over?**

**Scott: I still show Tina respect.**

**Virgil: Ya right. You show her as much respect as you show a porcupine. **

**Ashley: uh Scott?**

**Scott: Not now.**

**Ashley: Scott, Scott….Scotty….. SCOTT!**

**Scott: What?**

**John: hi**

***john waves before falling to the floor***

***suddenly harry potter pops up and revives John.***

**Ashley: Thanks Harry **

**Harry: No problem….OMG it's Cedric! **

***harry runs off***

***Gordon runs after Harry with a wand***

**Gordon: Come back here you lying, cheating wizarding piece of-**

**Scott: Gordon! Language**

**Ashley: Until next time folks **

**:D **


	20. Chapter 19 The Memory

**Ok sorry for the long wait….Let's see what happened in the past month…..bit of a mental breakdown, moved twice….uh….i dunno anyways enjoy! ….and review **

The next day was better I felt…..happy for the first time in a while.

Everybody always did say "things have to get worse before they get better" I realized I have to get over her, forget her break off all contact. So I stopped poking her on Facebook. I stopped subscribing to her statuses and I deleted her.

I'm done…according to Doc I can be out soon but I have a month. I'm already half over her….now I have a month to do the rest of the dirty work. I can do it. I can finish this.

I'm done feeling sorry for myself. I told Doc all of this he's proud of me says I'm free to go home day after tomorrow but I'm scared.

What if I never really get over her?

What if….

There's so many if's.

John and Jessica pick me up and after taking me home I'm alone in my room. I put all my effort into my missed homework dad and Scott seemed proud but I see John's nervous glances. I hear his concern when he asks if I'm ok.

So when all my work is done I'm left pacing thinking too much and I go to John. "I need a favour." He looks up from his morning paper and raises an eyebrow. "Can you take me to a book store?" I ask and he exchanges a look with Jessica before nodding. "Ok thanks I have a list."

"When do you want to go?" He asks me and I look to the clock.

1:24 PM

"Thirty minutes?" I ask and he nods. I go back into my room and print off the list of 27 books.

Most fictional books I never read but now have some interest in, most have nothing to do with love.

I went to my room and got dressed into jeans and a _To Writ Love on Her Arms_ t-shirt.

"Come on Virgil!" I heard John yell and ran out to meet him book list at hand. He smiled and followed me to the car.

"So why the need for books all of a sudden?" I shrugged and he studied me for a minute before starting the car. "I'm watching you." He said and I laughed nervously as John started the car and took off into the sky.

I ended up getting around 30 books much to John's joy and disappointment.

_Tales of the Madmen Underground by John Barnes_

_Demon's Lexicon by Sarah Rees Brennan _

_Because I am Furniture by Thalia Chaltas _

_The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins _

_Lost by Jaqueline Davies_

_Solace of the Road by Siobhan Dowd _

_The Orange Houses by Paul Griffin_

_Hold Still by Nina LaCour _

_Punkzilla by Adam Rapp_

_Love You, hate You, Miss You by Elizabeth Scott_

_In the Path Of Falling Objects by Andrew Smith_

_Flygirl by Sherri L Smith_

_Broken Soup by Jenny Valentine_

_Breathless by Jessica Warman _

_Runaway by Wendelin Van Draanen _

_The Running Dream by Wendelin Van Draanen_

_Any and every book by Alex Flinn_

_The Darkest Powers Trilogy by Kelley Armstrong_

_The entire Mortal Instruments series_

_Go Ask Alice by Beatrice Sparks_

_Incarceron by Catherine Fisher_

_The Adoration of Jenna Fox by Mary E Pearson_

_Cut by Patricia McCormick _

_Divergent by Veronica Roth_

_Paranormalcy by Kerstin White_

I stopped there and John and I made our way to checkout a cart full of books. The woman at the desk looked at us strangely before boxing all the books and smiled as we left. "Thanks John."

"You think you can read all of these within a month?" I nodded and he shrugged before we went to the car. "I think we'd better get you a bookshelf too." I shrugged and we went into the nearest Wal-Mart.

John and I went over to the furniture and we bought a black bookcase that could fit into the back of our car and that looked easy enough to put together.

Once we got home I went to work putting up the book shelf and putting away the books. I grabbed Demon's Lexicon and started reading.

Around midnight I finished the book and lay on my bed I felt horrible I just wanted to give up, grab the knife again. I crept silently through the house until I was outside by the pool and breathed in the cool night air.

I pulled my IPod from my pocket and put on my Danielle Free Playlist that I'd created the day before. I looked at my phone 5 days since she texted me. Nearly a week….before I wouldn't let myself go a week without texting her and now I'm going to go a month. 24 more days.

It's only March 24th spring break ends April 18th the day before Danielle's birthday. I can do this. I told myself it can't be so hard. After all this is what I did last March. I went out with this girl and never realized I was hung up on her until about three weeks later when I got over her.

I looked over at the mainland wishing I were there wishing I were with Danielle. I have to get her out of my mind!

I walked forwards down the path until I came to the edge of the island. I grabbed a rock and threw it as hard as I could. It hit the water a good five meters away and I screamed angrily.

_Breathe in breathe out_

Something more by Secondhand Serenade. Stupid song by another stupid artist. Another stupid artist who accomplished his dreams.

What dreams do I have?

I sighed and went on Facebook on my IPod

_You said you cared….liar _

I wrote as my status and wanted to throw my IPod into the ocean with the rock.

I started taking off my jeans and t-shirt and before I knew it I was in the freezing cold ocean. I swam until my lungs burned and swam back. I could swim to the mainland if I wanted to….

I sighed and went back onto the sand and lay down tears streaming down my cheeks. I just want her near me…..

I want to stop feeling this way. I feel so stuck…..so hopeless!

I miss her too much….

I looked up at the stars. "Star light star bright first star I see tonight, I wish I may I wish I might have the wish I wish tonight. Whoever's out there I need help….I want to find somebody, somebody other than Danielle, I want somebody to love." I said before closing my eyes my teeth chattering from the cold and got up walking back up to the house.

That's how my nights went for three weeks. On the thirty first day without any word from Danielle I stood on the beach skipping rocks and wishing on the stars again.

"I wish Danielle would love me. I need some help if she's the one send her back and if she's not let me get over her….give me a distraction." I sighed and went on Facebook again. I went into my privacy settings and unblocked Danielle.

I set my computer down on the sand and jumped into the water again. I'd started wearing swim trunks when I came here.

I went to my computer and froze seeing the friend invitation. Danielle added me….

I pressed add and went into the water my heart pounding.

I waded into the ocean and dunked my head in swimming out again and back trying to burn some of my new found energy.

I see a message on my screen and swim back and sit on my towel. I wiped my hands off before checking the message.

_Danielle; Heyy how are you? _

_Virgil: Alright, hbu? _

I asked and we both knew what alright means. It means I'm not alright I'm falling apart.

_Danielle: You ok? _

She asked and I sighed starring at my computer as I suddenly felt happy and energetic. I was doing just fine until you messaged me! I was getting over you!

_Virgil: I'm just fine. _

I said hoping she remembered the meaning of fine.

Freaked out

Insecure

Neurotic

Emotional

FINE

_Danielle: You sure?_

Of course she wouldn't remember just like she didn't bother to message me for three goddamn weeks!

_Virgil: ya….i dunno…sure I'm fine_

I said before she logged off. Ya because a depressed Virgil is too much to handle. Stupid bitch.

I went back into the water and swam for a while then back to my towel. I noticed my cell phone going off and sighed looking at the text.

_Danielle; Hey sorry my friend spilt a drink on my computer. So what were we talking about? _

There is no way I'm telling her what we were actually talking about!

_Virgil: I can't remember…._

I sighed lying back on the towel I didn't want a reply I just wanted the world to LEAVE ME ALONE!

_Danielle: Oh well ok…I'd better go I'm drinking with some friends._

I sighed wanting to throw my phone into the ocean before putting it in my pocket and running up to the house.

I ran in throwing my phone down before I saw Scott on the couch.

"Hey Virgil. Seen the clock lately?" I looked at him then the clock and winced.

2:38AM

"Oops." I said and Scott stood up coming over.

"Want to tell me what's going on?" He asked and I shrugged sitting down on the futon beside him.

"Come on Virgil." I looked at him and he sat beside me. "Come on Virge you look like you're about to cry."

"I'm me I_ never_ cry." I said and Scott looked at me.

"You realize it's ok to cry right Virgil?" I shrugged and Scott looked at me. "I think this is my fault I never let you guys know it was ok, I was always the strong big brother….maybe too strong."

"It's not your fault Scott." I saw a look of pain cross his face making it obvious he thought it was.

"So what's up?" He asked and I shrugged.

"Just texting Danielle."

"Ok and why does that make you upset? I also meant more of why did you just get in? And why are you soaked?" He asked and I looked down noticing I was still in swim trunks.

"Oh….well I just. I feel more horrible when I text her….I'm trying to get over her….And I've been at the beach swimming every night." Scott looked at me before nodding.

"Ah ok….I thought that was Gordon." I shrugged and Scott looked at me. "Believe it or not I know what you're going through Virge." I nodded of course he does but that doesn't help me!

"Come here kiddo. It won't last forever." He said before pulling me into his arms. I wrapped my arms around his neck and shivered realizing how cold I really was.

"Come on get some pyjamas on." I nodded and went to my dresser and grabbed a pair of boxers and a long sleeved shirt. I disappeared into my bathroom and came back out climbing into bed.

"You staying?" I asked Scott and he nodded lying down on the futon. I liked having him here I'd missed my brother lately I'd read nearly every book and by reading nobody bothered me.

When I wasn't reading books I was reading music and playing the grand piano. Of course most songs I played were Mayday parade or Between The Trees. "Well dad's oblivious to everything, apparently you being suicidal was a 'stage' and you're happy the music you play is just depressing."

"Well dad's a lunatic." I said slightly aggravated.

"Ya well my theory is you miss her and it's tearing you apart." I shrugged looking at my phone….ya it's tearing me apart. "Did she message you?" I nodded and Scott sighed.

"Three weeks huh?" I looked at him wondering how he knew. "I saw it on your calendar." He said and pointed to the wall. I nodded looking at my calendar looking at the familiar picture of Austin, Texas the city lights reflecting in the water. Below the picture were the little X's and on today's date it said _three weeks….do you care? _

"Ya….right on the 21st day….I can't say she has bad timing." I said a knot in my stomach.

"ya…well get some sleep we both need it." I nodded and rolled over facing the wall letting a few tears fall silently before exhaustion overcame me.

Scott drove me to school the following week making sure I had everything and would be ok.

I honestly didn't know….

I got to the school my hands shaking violently, nervous of what everyone would think.

I stepped into my dorm room nervously and put my bag on my bed. "Virgil?" I heard a voice from the top bunk and stood on my mattress looking up seeing a very tired looking Jeff.

"Hey bud." I said and he smiled lightly. "How are you?" He shrugged and I jumped up so I was sitting beside him. "What's up?" I asked.

"Nothing's been the same without you Virgil. The silence you usually fill just hangs there and nobody says nothing." I put an arm on his shoulder unsure of what else to do.

"Come on I think we could both use some lunch." I said and Jeff nodded reluctantly as I jumped down. He climbed down slowly and I stood shocked at how skinny he looks. His elbows stuck out and he didn't look like himself. I lifted him and he felt like he was maybe one hundred maybe one hundred and ten pounds.

I set him down and we went to the cafeteria. "You're eating you need some meat on those bones if you want to do track next month." I said and he shrugged.

We went into the cafeteria and I swear whispers and eyes followed us. I shifted self-consciously as we sat at our table. Fang looked up smiling. "Virgil." He said and I smiled at him. "Welcome back." I nodded and looked at Max sitting beside Fang.

"I'm not as forgiving as Fang, Virgil you hurt everybody especially Jeff." I nodded looking at Jeff once more. He was mostly bone and suddenly I was angry with fang.

"Why didn't you guys check on him? Make sure he was eating?" Fang put a hand over Max's mouth and shrugged back to being Mr. Dead Silent….again. I knew he was just fuming and wanting to say something but too afraid to. Too afraid something might set me off. Now I was the aggravated one.

"What too afraid to open your mouth? I'm not gonna commit suicide just because of a few well deserved words." I said and his eyes narrowed before he shook his head.

"That's not what I'm afraid of Virge, I just don't have anything to say, you're right." He said and I couldn't help but smile. Virgil Grisson Tracy right? Well that's a first.

"Virgil." I heard too voices say at the same time and looked up seeing the clones Iggy and Gazzy. "We're so happy-" Iggy said

"You're back." Gazzy finished for him. I smiled at them and looked at Iggy.

"Where's Ella?" I asked him and he shrugged.

"She was in a depressed mood I couldn't handle it." He said and I looked at him raising my eyebrows.

"Not to mention he's been-" Gazzy started before Fang shot him a glare.

"Text me it, Gazzy." I said and he nodded whipping out his phone. Two seconds later I received the text.

_Gazzy; Fang and Max broke up for a week and Iggy cheated on Ella with Max_

My fists clenched and I nodded to him. "Well I'll be right back, somebody get Jeff some chow." I said and went out running to Ella's room. I knocked and not hearing anything tried the door.

I went in knocking. "Ella it's me, Virgil." I said and she looked up startled blade in her hand. I rushed forward plucking it out of her hands. Tears ran down her cheeks and I pulled her into my arms throwing the blade into the garbage across the room.

"What are you doing here?' She asked and I got butterflies in my stomach. _NO!_ I thought _I can't be getting feelings for my best friend's girlfriend! _

"I got back today….Iggy said you were upset so I came here." I said and she hugged me harder.

"Can I have my blade?' She asked and I shook my head.

"No you'll hurt a lot of people. Me, Iggy, your parents, Jeff, Danielle. Our whole group you saw how messed up our group was when I left. Imagine if you were gone….forever. "

"Everyone would be better off." She said and I shook my head furiously pulling away and holding her at arm's reach.

"Nobody would be better off. If only things would be worse….especially since you convinced me I was worth it, you convinced me to keep on living." I said and she smiled a bit.

"I really want to kiss you." She says and I swear my face turns bright red. I wish she weren't Iggy's girl. "I know you want to kiss me too….but I can't hurt Iggy." She says and I nod wishing she hadn't thought of him.

"Ok." I say and she looks kind of sad. I wish she weren't dating Iggy.

"No knife ok?" I asked and she nodded before hugging me once more.

"Stay close….don't go…." She said and I hugged her wishing but I was terrified by one thought that barged into my head….

I still missed Danielle.

**Ashley; Cut! That's a chapter**

**Virgil; Great so not only am I 'getting better' so to speak I like my best friend's girlfriend! Are you trying to kill me here!**

**Ashley; No not kill you, sir. Dobby only meant to maim or seriously injure. **

**Virgil; Not funny! Stupid Harry potter winning all the publicity. **

**John; Now, now Virgil it's ok. After all Harry saved uh….who's life did he save again? **

**Ashley; John are you having some memory loss? He saved your life.**

**John; Oh right…..**

**Virgil; So where have you been? It's been a month for God sakes!**

**Ashley; Well I could lock you in a closet for a month again if you don't watch your tone. **

***Gordon walks in with George***

**Virgil; ya you locked us in a closet with George….that thing has nasty farts **

**Gordon; It's ok George he doesn't mean it….I still love you. **

**John; Ay yi yi….I live in a mad house. **


End file.
